Recently I had an argument with a significant other that was not out of the ordinary. Lately, when I am having difficulties in my relationships I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. We tend to find it very easy to blame things on the other party, especially, like in my case, when the other person involved may have had some transgressions in the past. This makes us feel like we have one up on them. It gives a false premises about ourselves, that we are perfect or in a higher position, although we all know that we are not. I am all about forgiveness, and once I forgive I automatically let go of the past. Easier said then done.
After this argument, during my time of reflection and meditation, I realized that what was important to me wasn't really about what I wanted. It was more about what someone else had once had. I have been comparing everything that he had done with this other girl and I wanted to make sure that he did all those things with me plus some. Some of you may be confused so I will give you an example.
When my guy dated this girl I knew that they had went on more than one vacation together, something that we were supposed to but because of school it never worked out. I had always been envious of her for several reasons. Mainly because he became more serious with her after dating me, and did everything with her that I wanted for myself. Although I would never admit to myself how much it hurt me, it did. Now that we are seeing each other again, he brought up the vacation idea. Of course I was all for it and ecstatic. When there was a chance that we may not go, of course I started freaking out. It was less about actually going on the vacation, and more like feeling like he loved me just as much as he loved her.
Envy is such a terrible sin. It takes over your real feelings and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go on a vacation with him because I wanted to get away and get to spend some really quality time with the person that I loved, but my determination in the matter was fueled by my envy. The crazy thing about the entire situation is that I really don't even know what I am envious of. Of course I saw little bits and pieces of their relationship, but it obviously didn't work out. The more I talked with my man about the situation, the more I learned about why he dated her after me, and how not so happy it was sometimes.
Now you may be asking what this has to do with me being fat. Trust me there is always a connection. This same envy I have seen myself having with other girls. I am surrounded by beautiful girls all the time. All of my friends are gorgeous. I have one friend in particular that is gorgeous. Every time we go out she is approached by several good looking guys and she flirts and bats her eyelashes with confidence. But as soon as we leave the venue I have to continuously hear her complaining about her body, hair, or anything that just doesn't seem good enough to her. I would die for what she has, and I am not just talking about looks. She has the ability to get every males attention in the room. Now I know that on a good day I am gorgeous as well, but I do not have that ability.
Every week I hear about the same insecurities that she has and it is so disheartening. It is so saddening to hear this beautiful woman talk down about herself. I still have not figured out if she is really insecure or straining for attention, both are as equally tragic.
It is amazing to see how each of us contain our own set of insecurities: our bodies, intelligence, or relationships.
It makes me wonder, is the grass really greener on the other side?
Of course,
Green with Envy.
With all of my blessings,
Tiffany
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Dr. Idontknowish
I hate doctors.
I went to the ER tonight because of some numbness that I was experiencing in the left side of my body. I thought that maybe I had had a mini stroke since loss of sensation on one side of the body is a major symptom. After 5 hours in the waiting room, blood work, and a CAT scan of my brain, I was told that she didn't know what was wrong with me. What's new. Now I have to go to a neurologist ( again ) to see why I can't feel my foot or leg.
As I have mentioned before, doctors have a tendency to annoy me. I love them when they are able to diagnose and heal, but I hate it when they bring up things that have nothing to do with the problem that I am having.
For example, tonight I was complaining about the numbness in my leg, which was obviously a blood circulation problem, or a nervous system problem. The nurse that did my vitals asked me when my last period was, my cycle isn't always regular and I am late. She looked at me like I was pregnant, and I assured her that I was not. After my CAT scan I met with the doctor, and again I was asked the same question. I told her the date, and she looked at me like I was pregnant. I assured her that I was not, and she told me that it was a possibility. After checking the blood test, she realized that I wasn't, like I had said. Even if I was, what the hell does that have to do with my left side of my body being numb? Last time I checked, that wasn't a symptom of pregnancy.
After checking my vitals again, I was told that my blood pressure was high. I am glad that she was concerned about my over all health, but instead of asking me about my eating and exercise habits, she told me that I need to start exercising. Umm... excuse me ma'am please do not make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my outward appearance. I wanted to give her two upper cuts, a left hook, and a right round, but instead I politely told her how I was working on my weight and currently have lost 25 lbs. She quickly shut her trap. Maybe I am just sensitive about my weight, especially because her remarks seemed to cancel out the hard work that I have put in. Regardless I find it rude not to ask about how I do things in life. The assumption that all larger people are lazy and frumpy is annoying. I work out more than any of my friends, I am a vegetarian, and I eat healthier than anyone I know. Yes, occasionally I over indulge, but over all I am a healthy person. I hope that my new life style will pay off in the future.
I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought, and I will take this experience as more motivation.
I still hate doctors.
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
I went to the ER tonight because of some numbness that I was experiencing in the left side of my body. I thought that maybe I had had a mini stroke since loss of sensation on one side of the body is a major symptom. After 5 hours in the waiting room, blood work, and a CAT scan of my brain, I was told that she didn't know what was wrong with me. What's new. Now I have to go to a neurologist ( again ) to see why I can't feel my foot or leg.
As I have mentioned before, doctors have a tendency to annoy me. I love them when they are able to diagnose and heal, but I hate it when they bring up things that have nothing to do with the problem that I am having.
For example, tonight I was complaining about the numbness in my leg, which was obviously a blood circulation problem, or a nervous system problem. The nurse that did my vitals asked me when my last period was, my cycle isn't always regular and I am late. She looked at me like I was pregnant, and I assured her that I was not. After my CAT scan I met with the doctor, and again I was asked the same question. I told her the date, and she looked at me like I was pregnant. I assured her that I was not, and she told me that it was a possibility. After checking the blood test, she realized that I wasn't, like I had said. Even if I was, what the hell does that have to do with my left side of my body being numb? Last time I checked, that wasn't a symptom of pregnancy.
After checking my vitals again, I was told that my blood pressure was high. I am glad that she was concerned about my over all health, but instead of asking me about my eating and exercise habits, she told me that I need to start exercising. Umm... excuse me ma'am please do not make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my outward appearance. I wanted to give her two upper cuts, a left hook, and a right round, but instead I politely told her how I was working on my weight and currently have lost 25 lbs. She quickly shut her trap. Maybe I am just sensitive about my weight, especially because her remarks seemed to cancel out the hard work that I have put in. Regardless I find it rude not to ask about how I do things in life. The assumption that all larger people are lazy and frumpy is annoying. I work out more than any of my friends, I am a vegetarian, and I eat healthier than anyone I know. Yes, occasionally I over indulge, but over all I am a healthy person. I hope that my new life style will pay off in the future.
I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought, and I will take this experience as more motivation.
I still hate doctors.
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Way You Make Me Feel
As I am taking off my make up, I look into the mirror and stare at my self. I realize how beautiful I really am. This is the first time I have felt this way, without the influence of someone else telling me how pretty I look. I look at the half of my face with the make up, and the other half without. Both look pretty good. This new found confidence that I have in myself, is tainted by the thought of the rest of me.
In the last couple of months I have lost 25 lbs, I have changed my eating habits, and I have been working out more frequently. I feel good about myself, and what I have accomplished thus far, but I know I still have a long way to go until I am in the healthy zone. As continue on this journey I find my self emotionally all over the place. Some days I feel sexy, others, not so much. It amazes me how much others influence our own thoughts about ourselves. I do not care what anyone says, you are influenced by the feelings of others around you.
I remember watching Katt Williams' stand up, "The Pimp Chronicles" where he asks, " How can I f*&# up the way YOU feel about YOU? It's called self-esteem!" Men everywhere were quoting this on social networks, to their friends, and more importantly their girlfriends. Thinking about it at the time I was on the bandwagon screeming, "Yeah Katt, you right!" Especially after a guy I was dating at the time, continuously told me how I shouldn't let others thoughts about me affect me. Easier said than done.
But now as I look back on my own experiences, I realize that this isn't such a true statement at all. It is easy to say that you shouldn't care about what others think, but is it even healthy to follow that rule? Since I am a teacher, I constantly see children get their feelings hurt by the words of others. Words do hurt. They are seeking the approval of their peers, their parents, and adults that surround them. Really we are no different then these 8 year olds. We are constantly seeking the approval of our peers, our bosses, and most importantly, the opposite sex.
We spend most of our lives finding ways to find the perfect mate. Men go to the gym, try have great careers, spend money on dinners, shoes, and fancy clothes, all for the approval of women. I could list all of the things that women do, but we all know how that will end. My point is, we were created to mate with the opposite sex, fall in love, make babies, and create a life with someone else. So hell yeah the opinion of your potential husband or wife matters.
I am currently dating a very opinionated person. He is never quick to bite his tongue, and tells me pretty much everything that he thinks is wrong about me. Now when we dated a few years ago, I was too immature to handle the things that he was saying to me. I thought that he was just trying to find ways to piss me off, put me down, and make himself feel better, but now I realize that it is much different than that. A few months ago he confessed to me that the reason that he critiques me is because he loves me so much that he wants me to be the best me. He told me that he knew how amazing I was and all the potential that I had, and he wanted everyone else to see in me what he sees in me.
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to marry this man. It is difficult to take critism from others, because most of us are our own worst critics, so to even think about someone else feeling negatively about anything that we do, or even what we look like is somewhat terrifying.
When people comment on my personality, honestly I do not care. I love the way that I am, plus it is easy to tone down my brashness or say what people want to hear. But when someone comments on your appearance, the way you look, it hurts. It hurts because most of us cannot change those things, and those of us that can, become addicted to working out, plastic surgery, etc. When do we draw the line? When do you stop caring just enough to maintain your own self esteem? I can truthfully say that I think I am a 10; a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, personalable, funny with a tender heart, but when I walk into a bar and men seem to miss all of those qualities, and focus on the fact that I have no waist, it makes it difficult to stay positive about everything else that I do have. I know that I am not the only person that deals with battle. I wish I had some magical way to forget it all, but its not that simple.
All people want to feel loved. We want to feel beautiful, not only to ourselves, but also to someone else. Some people make us feel that way through their actions. Maybe they have a strong physical attraction that exudes from them, or they continuously show affection. Others display it through their words. They tell you they love you, write you letters, poems, and express how they feel.
But what if you aren't receiving either? How is your self-esteem? Just something to ponder.
In the last couple of months I have lost 25 lbs, I have changed my eating habits, and I have been working out more frequently. I feel good about myself, and what I have accomplished thus far, but I know I still have a long way to go until I am in the healthy zone. As continue on this journey I find my self emotionally all over the place. Some days I feel sexy, others, not so much. It amazes me how much others influence our own thoughts about ourselves. I do not care what anyone says, you are influenced by the feelings of others around you.
I remember watching Katt Williams' stand up, "The Pimp Chronicles" where he asks, " How can I f*&# up the way YOU feel about YOU? It's called self-esteem!" Men everywhere were quoting this on social networks, to their friends, and more importantly their girlfriends. Thinking about it at the time I was on the bandwagon screeming, "Yeah Katt, you right!" Especially after a guy I was dating at the time, continuously told me how I shouldn't let others thoughts about me affect me. Easier said than done.
But now as I look back on my own experiences, I realize that this isn't such a true statement at all. It is easy to say that you shouldn't care about what others think, but is it even healthy to follow that rule? Since I am a teacher, I constantly see children get their feelings hurt by the words of others. Words do hurt. They are seeking the approval of their peers, their parents, and adults that surround them. Really we are no different then these 8 year olds. We are constantly seeking the approval of our peers, our bosses, and most importantly, the opposite sex.
We spend most of our lives finding ways to find the perfect mate. Men go to the gym, try have great careers, spend money on dinners, shoes, and fancy clothes, all for the approval of women. I could list all of the things that women do, but we all know how that will end. My point is, we were created to mate with the opposite sex, fall in love, make babies, and create a life with someone else. So hell yeah the opinion of your potential husband or wife matters.
I am currently dating a very opinionated person. He is never quick to bite his tongue, and tells me pretty much everything that he thinks is wrong about me. Now when we dated a few years ago, I was too immature to handle the things that he was saying to me. I thought that he was just trying to find ways to piss me off, put me down, and make himself feel better, but now I realize that it is much different than that. A few months ago he confessed to me that the reason that he critiques me is because he loves me so much that he wants me to be the best me. He told me that he knew how amazing I was and all the potential that I had, and he wanted everyone else to see in me what he sees in me.
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to marry this man. It is difficult to take critism from others, because most of us are our own worst critics, so to even think about someone else feeling negatively about anything that we do, or even what we look like is somewhat terrifying.
When people comment on my personality, honestly I do not care. I love the way that I am, plus it is easy to tone down my brashness or say what people want to hear. But when someone comments on your appearance, the way you look, it hurts. It hurts because most of us cannot change those things, and those of us that can, become addicted to working out, plastic surgery, etc. When do we draw the line? When do you stop caring just enough to maintain your own self esteem? I can truthfully say that I think I am a 10; a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, personalable, funny with a tender heart, but when I walk into a bar and men seem to miss all of those qualities, and focus on the fact that I have no waist, it makes it difficult to stay positive about everything else that I do have. I know that I am not the only person that deals with battle. I wish I had some magical way to forget it all, but its not that simple.
All people want to feel loved. We want to feel beautiful, not only to ourselves, but also to someone else. Some people make us feel that way through their actions. Maybe they have a strong physical attraction that exudes from them, or they continuously show affection. Others display it through their words. They tell you they love you, write you letters, poems, and express how they feel.
But what if you aren't receiving either? How is your self-esteem? Just something to ponder.
Monday, October 18, 2010
My Frienemy
I am off from one of the best weekends of my life. This past weekend was spent with my ex-boyfriend, future... something, and I have had several revelations. The first is within our relationship. When I look at some of my issues with weight, I have realized that my weight has played a major role in the relationships that I have with my friends, family, and lovers. As you have read, I have mentioned all of these people through my journey because they are so much a part of me, and everything that I do is connected to the other. When I think about the relationship that I have with my ex, I know that my weight, and how I felt about my self had a negative barring on us as a couple. When we first started dating, I also thought of him as a 10 and myself as a 7. Because of this I was always making reasons in my own mind about why he didn't like me instead of thinking about all the reasons that he did like me. I ended completing self-sabotage. I mean who would want to be with a person that questions your motives and doesn't have enough confidence in themselves in order to believe that what you have is legit. Now this was not an overnight epiphany, but rather a 3 year long journey that has been extremely rough and tiresome, but in the end I have realized my own self worth.
When I think about my relationship with food, I realize that food is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. My frienemy. When I am happy, I celebrate with food. When I am sad, I eat to make it all better. Either way I am eating, a lot. I have allowed food to control me and my relationships. Just like breaking up with a boyfriend, it is difficult to break up with food. Imagine dumping someone that you love, but then, having to see them everyday, 3 times a day for the rest of your life. That would nearly be impossible. Instead of breaking up with food, I have realized that I need to change my relationship with food. I have to retrain my body to think about food differently. I am still in this process, but I am trying to take it day by day.
Being a fat girl is difficult, but I think that I have been blaming too many of my problems on my fat. It is easier to say that a guy doesn't like you or want to be with you because you are fat, rather than he just didn't like me. I can change the fat, but me? That is something that is much more difficult. When my ex came to see me and was all about me, I realized that he has always loved me, just like I loved him. Not just the way he looked or the way he dressed, simply him. I would be lying if I said I haven't pulled some fine men because I have. I now know that me, Tiffany, can't be that bad, because there are men that like me, and the more that I am myself, the more they like. It is when I am an insecure fat girl that looks unhappy,that I don't get what I want. But who would want that ?
As I continue on this journey, regardless of the outcome, I hope that I can continue to grow and understand myself, my relationship with food, and my body. There is no way that I can want to change me if I really don't know me.
Until next time,
Tiffany still your fellow fatty.
When I think about my relationship with food, I realize that food is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. My frienemy. When I am happy, I celebrate with food. When I am sad, I eat to make it all better. Either way I am eating, a lot. I have allowed food to control me and my relationships. Just like breaking up with a boyfriend, it is difficult to break up with food. Imagine dumping someone that you love, but then, having to see them everyday, 3 times a day for the rest of your life. That would nearly be impossible. Instead of breaking up with food, I have realized that I need to change my relationship with food. I have to retrain my body to think about food differently. I am still in this process, but I am trying to take it day by day.
Being a fat girl is difficult, but I think that I have been blaming too many of my problems on my fat. It is easier to say that a guy doesn't like you or want to be with you because you are fat, rather than he just didn't like me. I can change the fat, but me? That is something that is much more difficult. When my ex came to see me and was all about me, I realized that he has always loved me, just like I loved him. Not just the way he looked or the way he dressed, simply him. I would be lying if I said I haven't pulled some fine men because I have. I now know that me, Tiffany, can't be that bad, because there are men that like me, and the more that I am myself, the more they like. It is when I am an insecure fat girl that looks unhappy,that I don't get what I want. But who would want that ?
As I continue on this journey, regardless of the outcome, I hope that I can continue to grow and understand myself, my relationship with food, and my body. There is no way that I can want to change me if I really don't know me.
Until next time,
Tiffany still your fellow fatty.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Thintervention
As I sit on my bed watching Jackie Warner kick some spoiled, overweight, rich folks asses, I think about how lazy they are and how many excuses that these people with nothing better to do are making up everyday. Then I realize, I am sitting on the bed watching something that should be motivating me to get off my ass, but instead, I am taking my negativity out on someone else who is doing exactly what I am doing. Absolutely nothing. I think to my self, and realize that I haven't worked out in days. I haven't ate right all week, my weight has been stagnant, and I have every reason to be motivated. In less than a week, the love of my life will be visiting me for the weekend, although you should never let a man be the reason to lose weight, it is a strong motivation nonetheless. I am single and living in a new city, where the men are scarce, and the semi-beautiful women are bountiful. I only have one responsibility and that is my self, so it is time that I stopped talking about what I am going to do and just do it. It is easy to be motivated, but harder to get up. So I did just that, I got up, put on my gym clothes and went to kickboxing class. It is crazy, because I really love kickboxing so I am not so sure why my lazy self avoids going to the gym. I think there is some type of fear that comes with change, maybe I will change, but nothing else will improve in my life, or maybe I will change and everything else will change as well. There is so much in the unknown that makes all of us feel uneasy. I will be honest, which I always do, there is nothing better than feeling comfortable. But there is something that is pleasing and exciting about the unknown, and I am finally ready to venture out into that uncomfortable place, that hopefully one day will be my new haven.
I want to talk a little more about food. I have said before that food and overeating is an addiction, but now I can confirm it. Sugar releases the same chemicals into your body as those of drugs and alcohol. Most Americans are addicted to sugar in one form or the other. Carbohydrates, a personal favorite of mine, simple sugars, fructose corn syrup, and the list goes on and on. No wonder I have been fighting this fat for so long! The sugar that we are given as children is our first high, our first moment of indulgent pleasure, and because of that I have been struggling for the last 20 years. Well... I refuse to struggle any longer, as I promise to myself to get my shit together, and make changes that will better myself.
I want to talk a little more about food. I have said before that food and overeating is an addiction, but now I can confirm it. Sugar releases the same chemicals into your body as those of drugs and alcohol. Most Americans are addicted to sugar in one form or the other. Carbohydrates, a personal favorite of mine, simple sugars, fructose corn syrup, and the list goes on and on. No wonder I have been fighting this fat for so long! The sugar that we are given as children is our first high, our first moment of indulgent pleasure, and because of that I have been struggling for the last 20 years. Well... I refuse to struggle any longer, as I promise to myself to get my shit together, and make changes that will better myself.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Eat the Competition! Well... not really!
Last night my roommate jumped on my scale and decided that she wanted to lose some weight too. Usually I get annoyed when "smaller" girls complain about their weight, but I knew her request was legit so I agreed. We decided to be accountability buddies and create a workout calendar and goal sheet for ten weeks. We are going to break down our total goal into small weekly goals. We will weigh in every Tuesday, then record the amount lost. My goal was much higher, since my overall goal is to lose 65 pounds. I have quickly learned that if you mention your weight loss goal to others, they look at you like you are crazy. But to much of your surprise, I am a lot heavier than I may appear. My goal weight is not skinny, but healthy and I know that it will be best for me.
Our charts and calendars are supposed to be for accountability and motivation, but of course my competitive spirit wants to turn it into a competition. Nothing is more satisfying than winning, knowing that you completely out did, out worked, and demolished the competition.
I plan to lose about 2.5 to 3 lbs a week. When you are creating goals it is important to make sure that they are measurable, ambitious, and attainable, and timely. This goes for any goal, not just weight loss, I am glad to say that mine are all of the above. We decided to create a 10 week plan, 26 lbs is my goal. The bigger you are the quicker they drop, so hopefully they fall fast!
I was reassured by my goals when I sat across from a woman at my training today that was talking about her high blood pressure medicine. Although my health at this point is fine ( and probably much better than some of my skinnier friends) she was not that much bigger than me. It is somewhat of a reality check when you see the damage that food can do to your body. There was also irony in the story that we were reading during this discussion about a woman who killed both of her husbands by feeding them to death. Scary, I know!
I am starting to see results already. I know that other people probably do not notice, but for the last year, you could say that I did a whole lot more eating than exercise, and I lost all of my tone and muscles. After a few kickboxing classes I can see the definition coming back. Although my body fails me a lot, I am lucky to have more testosterone than the average female, given my low register voice, competitiveness, and other things that will be kept private, but besides that it also gives me the ability to increase muscle mass much more easily. I have to be careful not to bulk up, but it only takes a few weeks to get my arms back looking right.
I am so excited about my new body, and hopefully the new attitude that comes along with it! Now its off to kickboxing.
Kick some ass this week,
Tiffany
Our charts and calendars are supposed to be for accountability and motivation, but of course my competitive spirit wants to turn it into a competition. Nothing is more satisfying than winning, knowing that you completely out did, out worked, and demolished the competition.
I plan to lose about 2.5 to 3 lbs a week. When you are creating goals it is important to make sure that they are measurable, ambitious, and attainable, and timely. This goes for any goal, not just weight loss, I am glad to say that mine are all of the above. We decided to create a 10 week plan, 26 lbs is my goal. The bigger you are the quicker they drop, so hopefully they fall fast!
I was reassured by my goals when I sat across from a woman at my training today that was talking about her high blood pressure medicine. Although my health at this point is fine ( and probably much better than some of my skinnier friends) she was not that much bigger than me. It is somewhat of a reality check when you see the damage that food can do to your body. There was also irony in the story that we were reading during this discussion about a woman who killed both of her husbands by feeding them to death. Scary, I know!
I am starting to see results already. I know that other people probably do not notice, but for the last year, you could say that I did a whole lot more eating than exercise, and I lost all of my tone and muscles. After a few kickboxing classes I can see the definition coming back. Although my body fails me a lot, I am lucky to have more testosterone than the average female, given my low register voice, competitiveness, and other things that will be kept private, but besides that it also gives me the ability to increase muscle mass much more easily. I have to be careful not to bulk up, but it only takes a few weeks to get my arms back looking right.
I am so excited about my new body, and hopefully the new attitude that comes along with it! Now its off to kickboxing.
Kick some ass this week,
Tiffany
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Fat is Funny
This past weekend I was with my best friends and we were hanging out with some guys after we had went out. They didn't know us that well, but after a few minutes ( and a few drinks) we all seemed to hit it off. We started talking about music, sports, relationships and everything. Since my friends were just visiting, both of the guys were interested in hanging out in the future. Don't get too excited, remember what I said about being a guy's girl? Well this is just another example. They were impressed by my knowledge of sports, interest in hip-hop, and frequent sarcasm. We all exchanged numbers, and I expect that these two will be some of my new guy friends in Atlanta. The next day I was told by one of the two that I was hilarious. Now this is something that I get quite often, but it made me think. Am I that funny? And if so, why?
Think about your favorite comedians, male or female. I can bet that they are either, fat, funny-looking, or short. Bernie Mac had a lazy eye, Richard Pryor, well... wasn't Denzel, and Kevin Hart is bite-size. This isn't some type of coincidence that the funniest people suffer from socially unacceptable features.
Fat, short, and funny-looking people have spent their lives trying to avoid public humiliation. It starts when we are in elementary school. I clearly remember the names that I was called, and the jokes that were said when I was younger, and these memories become even more vivid when I go to work everyday. I teach 8 year olds, and to say the least, they are vicious. I am sure psychologists will say that it is some part of human nature, but none the less it is sad.
Those of us who were "different" growing up have spent most of our time finding ways to avoid the shots that are fired. The best way to accomplish this task? Make fun of yourself! That way you say something everyone was already thinking before you get hurt by their words. There have been too many times where I have made jokes about my weight in order to make people feel comfortable about the situation that we were in, or to avoid someone else from doing it first. I have to say, this is a terrible trait. But rather than digging into the human brain, I would like to pose a question.
Yes, Fat is funny, but is it attractive?
When you ask a woman to list the qualities that she is looking for in a future man/husband, along her long list you will find "he needs to make me laugh". Now, when this same question is posed to a male, not only will you get a much shorter list, if a list at all, but funny is usually not included.
I have been called funny a few million times in my life, but I can count the number of times I have been called attractive on two hands. This could be because I really am not that attractive, something which I refuse to believe, or because that is not something that a man finds a want in a relationship. I find that men are always looking for women that have a sense of humor, and many of you may think that means funny, but in guy language it means don't get too sensitive when I make jokes about you, and when I do tell jokes, please laugh. Men are always looking for an ego boost, especially from their girl.
The more that I think about it, the less I think that a man actually wants a funny girl. Women with wit, are more than likely going to be intelligent. Hey, its not easy coming up with fast jokes. Anything that can damage a man's ego is usually a no-no. This is something that I have personally struggled with in the past year. I am so conditioned to defend myself, that it is nature for me to attack someone with my oh-so-harmless jokes. What I have found is that men don't really like to have someone that can challenge them, especially a women. It takes away from that whole alpha dog persona. It never occurred to me until recently that this was a problem, and now that I am meeting new people I sense a difference, and most men do not appreciate my humor.
Ironically this post really isn't that funny, but more of something that has been on my mind.
Should a woman tone herself down in order to find a mate? Do we need to be tamed?
I do not have the answers to these questions since I am still trying to find myself. I still need to figure out what I need to do in life before I dive head first into this relationship world. My opinion right now is that I am too old to try and change my personality, but who knows what the future will bring.
Think about your favorite comedians, male or female. I can bet that they are either, fat, funny-looking, or short. Bernie Mac had a lazy eye, Richard Pryor, well... wasn't Denzel, and Kevin Hart is bite-size. This isn't some type of coincidence that the funniest people suffer from socially unacceptable features.
Fat, short, and funny-looking people have spent their lives trying to avoid public humiliation. It starts when we are in elementary school. I clearly remember the names that I was called, and the jokes that were said when I was younger, and these memories become even more vivid when I go to work everyday. I teach 8 year olds, and to say the least, they are vicious. I am sure psychologists will say that it is some part of human nature, but none the less it is sad.
Those of us who were "different" growing up have spent most of our time finding ways to avoid the shots that are fired. The best way to accomplish this task? Make fun of yourself! That way you say something everyone was already thinking before you get hurt by their words. There have been too many times where I have made jokes about my weight in order to make people feel comfortable about the situation that we were in, or to avoid someone else from doing it first. I have to say, this is a terrible trait. But rather than digging into the human brain, I would like to pose a question.
Yes, Fat is funny, but is it attractive?
When you ask a woman to list the qualities that she is looking for in a future man/husband, along her long list you will find "he needs to make me laugh". Now, when this same question is posed to a male, not only will you get a much shorter list, if a list at all, but funny is usually not included.
I have been called funny a few million times in my life, but I can count the number of times I have been called attractive on two hands. This could be because I really am not that attractive, something which I refuse to believe, or because that is not something that a man finds a want in a relationship. I find that men are always looking for women that have a sense of humor, and many of you may think that means funny, but in guy language it means don't get too sensitive when I make jokes about you, and when I do tell jokes, please laugh. Men are always looking for an ego boost, especially from their girl.
The more that I think about it, the less I think that a man actually wants a funny girl. Women with wit, are more than likely going to be intelligent. Hey, its not easy coming up with fast jokes. Anything that can damage a man's ego is usually a no-no. This is something that I have personally struggled with in the past year. I am so conditioned to defend myself, that it is nature for me to attack someone with my oh-so-harmless jokes. What I have found is that men don't really like to have someone that can challenge them, especially a women. It takes away from that whole alpha dog persona. It never occurred to me until recently that this was a problem, and now that I am meeting new people I sense a difference, and most men do not appreciate my humor.
Ironically this post really isn't that funny, but more of something that has been on my mind.
Should a woman tone herself down in order to find a mate? Do we need to be tamed?
I do not have the answers to these questions since I am still trying to find myself. I still need to figure out what I need to do in life before I dive head first into this relationship world. My opinion right now is that I am too old to try and change my personality, but who knows what the future will bring.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I KICK ASS!
Left jab, cross, hook, cross, jab, round house, left kick, jab, hook, cross... this was the first combination that I was given in my "beginner ready" kickboxing class. Luckily I am familiar with boxing jargon, but wasn't expecting to be thrown in the middle of a mat, with my gloves on for the first time, kicking the hell out of a 100 lb bag. I have to say, that I fell in love today. It was the most difficult workout that I have had since I played high school basketball, and even though I was sweating profusely and dying out there with the other people that clearly have been to a few more classes than myself, I enjoyed every moment of it. If you have ever been a serious athlete, you understand the bittersweet feelings that you have for soreness in the morning, and the aching from a great workout. There is nothing else like it! Exercising gives your endorphins, and after I work out, even if I am dead tires, I always feel an extraordinary high. The upside to my new workout is the calories that I burn. Kickboxing burns between 800-1000 calories and hour, and since I am on the heavier side, I will probably be burning more like 1000 +. I was motivated in the class for two reasons: one, my instructor wasn't bad on the eyes. He wasn't really my type, but definitely good looking, and I just felt like a loser every time I wanted to take a breath when he was watching me. If he was ugly or fat, I wouldn't have cared a bit, but as the sweat was dripping down my forehead I kept thinking about what he thought of me as I was trying to round house my bag. Two, punching a 100 lb bag is very therapeutic. I had PLENTY of inspiration from my bitter past that allowed me to want to knock the head off of some six-something, dark-chocolate, asshole ( a combination of all my exes). If you are super stressed out, just got dumped, played, or all of the above, I do suggest taking a kick-boxing class, you will not regret it!
I have already dropped a few lbs in this last week just with diet alone. I always eat better when I am on a schedule. Working full-time, especially as a teacher, doesn't allow me to snack at all. In the evening, I have even been busy, so I eat grilled chicken, spinach, asparagus, etc. and that is it. I am loving my new environment, job, and hopefully soon, body. I promised myself that when I moved down here to Atlanta, that I would really reevaluate my life and really make major changes that were in my favor. I am so used to changing for the benefit of others, which leaves me with a sense of false fulfillment and in return leaves me cold and empty inside. I have plenty of time to think about me, about who I am, what I want, and what I can do to make me happy, that I am finally ready to take some new steps. The weight-loss is just one small step forward in the new life that I plan to make for myself. I am ready to "kick" out all my bad habits and finally make me happy. As much as I talk about how much weight affects my daily life, and I won't lie it really is a factor, it is not the reason that I feel a certain way about myself, and because of that, I cannot wait until the weight is gone in order to make changes, because my life is much more that my fat.
I have already dropped a few lbs in this last week just with diet alone. I always eat better when I am on a schedule. Working full-time, especially as a teacher, doesn't allow me to snack at all. In the evening, I have even been busy, so I eat grilled chicken, spinach, asparagus, etc. and that is it. I am loving my new environment, job, and hopefully soon, body. I promised myself that when I moved down here to Atlanta, that I would really reevaluate my life and really make major changes that were in my favor. I am so used to changing for the benefit of others, which leaves me with a sense of false fulfillment and in return leaves me cold and empty inside. I have plenty of time to think about me, about who I am, what I want, and what I can do to make me happy, that I am finally ready to take some new steps. The weight-loss is just one small step forward in the new life that I plan to make for myself. I am ready to "kick" out all my bad habits and finally make me happy. As much as I talk about how much weight affects my daily life, and I won't lie it really is a factor, it is not the reason that I feel a certain way about myself, and because of that, I cannot wait until the weight is gone in order to make changes, because my life is much more that my fat.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Fat and the Family
For the past two months I have been in Atlanta training for my new job. I found that the first week I was getting fed small salads, grilled chicken and rice everyday WITHOUT seconds! I was walking up and down hills on campus in the Georgia sun, and I had to have lost 5 lbs. But quickly that ended, as my schedule was packed and I was working 12 hour days and eating dining hall food. Not to mention that dining hall food at Georgia Tech includes honey biscuits, cheesy grits, sausage and gravy, fried okra, collard greens, fried green tomatoes... I could go on. I love southern food, which is going to be something that I will have to overcome as I make my new life in this great city.
Today I decided that I needed to get my life back together. I suggested that my brother play basketball with me today for my exercise. Surprisingly he said yes. We played three games, I was up in the first two by 3 or 4 pts and he hit the threes on me (which I didn't know existed in our driveway) and won. It was only 95 degrees outside, and the last time I played basketball one-on-one was 5 years ago. Getting beat by my 17 year old varsity ball playing brother wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt my pride, but surely hurt my body. My goal is to get in shape, come back home and kick his ass... I hate losing.
Its funny how people always look surprised when I tell them that I used to play basketball. Then when I tell them that I was good, they give me that yea-sure-you-were-in-your-mind kind of look. When this happens I have to go into explaining how I averaged double digits in points and rebounds, and how I hold the bench press and squat weight lifting records, and how I was recruited by several schools to play in college, and I eventually feel like I am begging people to believe that I was actually a good athlete. This desperation is ridiculous, but my pride is like that of 20-something year old man, and I hate when people doubt me.
I have learned that my guise has been the main cause for doubt in my short lived life.This has caused much frustration for me. I understand that everyone is so concerned with my health, but please allow me to deal with my own personal issues. It is bad enough that my mom mentions my weight every five minutes, and tries to nonchalantly talk about food and exercise, but I don't need anyone else to do it too.
Some of my family is going to get together to celebrate my grandmother's 90th Birthday. I was relieved when I had to attend a wedding out-of-state that weekend for one of my closest friends, not because I don't enjoy spending time with family, but for some reason they tend to forget about my college degree, new job, and big move, and only focus on the fact that I gained weight. Remember when I said when you are fat no exercise looks good, I guess this can also be applied to any accomplishment.
One of my aunts, whom I think is my God-mother, sad I know, badgers me beyond belief. After my major weight-loss in high school I went to Cancun, Mexico for spring break. My aunt picked me up from the airport and was ecstatic by my look svelte body and golden tan. Almost a year later, my favorite uncle died and we were all gathered for the funeral. One of my aunts had made a comment about how beautiful I was when suddenly the other interupted with a "No No No! She was so beautiful when I picked her up from the airport not that long ago." At that moment I realized that my own family ignored the beauty that I thought that I possessed on the inside and outside. It doesn't matter that I was on the dean's list in college every semester, that I graduated with honors, that only 20% of applicants make it into Teach for America and I happened to make it in, or that I secretly have an elaborate plan in effect to take over the world. What people see on the outside trumps the what is resonating on the inside and it saddens me. As much as I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons, including health and self-esteem, sometimes I just want to jump off of the deep end and tell everyone to eat a donut because I am staying fat and fabulous! And I might throw a few F-bombs in there.
The truth of the matter is, I won't do that. What other people think isn't supposed to matter right? But it does, it matters a lot, and most of the time we sit there and sulk about what others think about us, and we allow ourselves to determine our own self worth based on the opinions of people that are important in our life. The more important they are, family, significant others, and parents, the more it hurts, and the more difficult it is to say, "f@#$ what you have to say about me, because I am me, and I am amazing!". But this is what we need to do, because honestly no one knows what is best for you besides you and God. No matter how great your mother or father is, when you are an adult, there opinion of you matters less. This is something that I am currently working on. I have people in my life that I hold so high, so what they say to me is important, but everyone doesn't have the best intentions, and as much as I hate to think about it, its the truth.
As I continue on this journey to my ultimate goal, I have to continuously remind myself of the great things that I do and have done. It is easy for me to focus on my fat and forget about everything else that is going on in my life, but the reality is that there is so much more to me than my size, and when I am able to truly and honestly believe that, it will be easier to shed the pounds.
Until then....
Keep it truckin!
Tiffany
Today I decided that I needed to get my life back together. I suggested that my brother play basketball with me today for my exercise. Surprisingly he said yes. We played three games, I was up in the first two by 3 or 4 pts and he hit the threes on me (which I didn't know existed in our driveway) and won. It was only 95 degrees outside, and the last time I played basketball one-on-one was 5 years ago. Getting beat by my 17 year old varsity ball playing brother wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt my pride, but surely hurt my body. My goal is to get in shape, come back home and kick his ass... I hate losing.
Its funny how people always look surprised when I tell them that I used to play basketball. Then when I tell them that I was good, they give me that yea-sure-you-were-in-your-mind kind of look. When this happens I have to go into explaining how I averaged double digits in points and rebounds, and how I hold the bench press and squat weight lifting records, and how I was recruited by several schools to play in college, and I eventually feel like I am begging people to believe that I was actually a good athlete. This desperation is ridiculous, but my pride is like that of 20-something year old man, and I hate when people doubt me.
I have learned that my guise has been the main cause for doubt in my short lived life.This has caused much frustration for me. I understand that everyone is so concerned with my health, but please allow me to deal with my own personal issues. It is bad enough that my mom mentions my weight every five minutes, and tries to nonchalantly talk about food and exercise, but I don't need anyone else to do it too.
Some of my family is going to get together to celebrate my grandmother's 90th Birthday. I was relieved when I had to attend a wedding out-of-state that weekend for one of my closest friends, not because I don't enjoy spending time with family, but for some reason they tend to forget about my college degree, new job, and big move, and only focus on the fact that I gained weight. Remember when I said when you are fat no exercise looks good, I guess this can also be applied to any accomplishment.
One of my aunts, whom I think is my God-mother, sad I know, badgers me beyond belief. After my major weight-loss in high school I went to Cancun, Mexico for spring break. My aunt picked me up from the airport and was ecstatic by my look svelte body and golden tan. Almost a year later, my favorite uncle died and we were all gathered for the funeral. One of my aunts had made a comment about how beautiful I was when suddenly the other interupted with a "No No No! She was so beautiful when I picked her up from the airport not that long ago." At that moment I realized that my own family ignored the beauty that I thought that I possessed on the inside and outside. It doesn't matter that I was on the dean's list in college every semester, that I graduated with honors, that only 20% of applicants make it into Teach for America and I happened to make it in, or that I secretly have an elaborate plan in effect to take over the world. What people see on the outside trumps the what is resonating on the inside and it saddens me. As much as I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons, including health and self-esteem, sometimes I just want to jump off of the deep end and tell everyone to eat a donut because I am staying fat and fabulous! And I might throw a few F-bombs in there.
The truth of the matter is, I won't do that. What other people think isn't supposed to matter right? But it does, it matters a lot, and most of the time we sit there and sulk about what others think about us, and we allow ourselves to determine our own self worth based on the opinions of people that are important in our life. The more important they are, family, significant others, and parents, the more it hurts, and the more difficult it is to say, "f@#$ what you have to say about me, because I am me, and I am amazing!". But this is what we need to do, because honestly no one knows what is best for you besides you and God. No matter how great your mother or father is, when you are an adult, there opinion of you matters less. This is something that I am currently working on. I have people in my life that I hold so high, so what they say to me is important, but everyone doesn't have the best intentions, and as much as I hate to think about it, its the truth.
As I continue on this journey to my ultimate goal, I have to continuously remind myself of the great things that I do and have done. It is easy for me to focus on my fat and forget about everything else that is going on in my life, but the reality is that there is so much more to me than my size, and when I am able to truly and honestly believe that, it will be easier to shed the pounds.
Until then....
Keep it truckin!
Tiffany
Friday, May 21, 2010
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
I touched on my matchmaking skills earlier, but I did not go in depth in the extent of what I have actually done. Matchmakers are funny people. Most of us usually fail at our own relationships, and are terribly bad at finding worthy partners, but for some reason, it is so easy for me to connections between other people. In high school I used to set up all of my friends. I was pretty good because I wasn't setting up my girl friends with random men that I met at a bar, but with my guy friends. Men, or shall I say boys, that I knew inside and out. Many of them had expressed some type of interest, and I was able to see which one of my friends they would like. Given, I did have a 99% rate, and some of the relationships, although it was only high school, lasted years. I wish I was getting paid back then to do it. When I went to college I vowed to myself that I would give it up, and spend time looking for my own significant other, but once again, like any bad habit I continued to do my good deeds.
Many of you may be wondering how this has anything to do with being fat, and trust me it does. Because I was unable to hold a successful relationship, mostly due to the fact that boys weren't interested in me, I chose to live my life through the relationships of my friends. I don't want to sound like some sick stalker, because it was not some creepy pleasure, but more of a subconscious addiction. If I can't be happy, someone else will be. This thought goes beyond the simplicity of matchmaking and occurs in the way that I treat people. You will find that many people that suffer with obesity, find pleasure in care giving. It is the reassurance that people like you, accept you, and even love, although they may not. I have found my self in several relationships where I was literally taking care of, paying for, and doing everything in my power to make my partner happy. I used to say "making you happy makes me happy". Many people may use this phrase, but I lived by it. Matchmaking for me is the same concept. I know that I can't be with the tall, dark, gorgeous man across the room, so I will introduce him to my beautiful friend, instead of introducing myself and risking getting rejection.
Most people are scared of rejection, if not all, but it consumes those who already have low self-esteem and image issues. My addiction does not always allow me to think clearly, and any of my friends will tell you that I am loyal, caring, and loving ( for the most part) but what they do not know, is that deeply, I wish that someone would care for me in the same way. But it is impossible to live up to the standards of myself since I am willing to do anything for a person that I love.
I have been asked by more than one of my male friends to cook dinners for their girlfriends while they surprised them with romantic evenings filled with candles, flowers, and R & B music. Of course I say yes as I slave away in the kitchen preparing a meal as if I am Aunt Jemima feeding her master. I have shopped for their girlfriends birthday presents, and planned romantic evenings. Again, I should be getting paid for this, but I do it out the kindness of my heart, while I die on the inside hoping that good karma will come my way and repay me with the same. Sometimes we need to create our own karma.
I need to start taking care of myself, putting myself first, treating me. Taking risk isn't also fun or easy, and yes it does come with disappointment, but if we continue to stay stuck in our ruts, we will never see anything new. Now I am not saying that I will give up my matchmaking completely, but maybe I should pursue the nice guy that I like for myself, instead of passing him off on my friend because I feel that I am not worthy. I vow that I will no longer speak to my friend on the behalf of another male, i.e. "Aye, let me get at your girl". I am sure that I will quickly be labeled as the ugly, fat, bitter friend. It's okay, nothing new,but I think that us fatties need to stick up for ourselves. Most of the guys that date my friends have secret crushes on me anyways. How do I know this you may ask? They eventually tell me. Its unfortunate that they are too scared to pursue me in the beginning. If you aren't a fatty and you want to understand my life, picture me as Queen Latifah in "Just Wright" except for I don't get Common at the end of the movie. No Hollywood endings over here. Instead I clean up all the pieces. My best friend is crying on my shoulder, while Common is blowing up my phone, saying how much he wants her back and he forgives her for leaving him in his time of need. Oh yea, I also get a little pat on the back for being there the whole time while he was hurting. Ain't that bout a bitch.
That's how real life goes, and yes its sad. It doesn't make much for a blockbuster hit, but its real. I hope that others can learn to change things in their lives. The first step to getting over an addiction, is admitting that you have a problem.
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Just Friends
I have mentioned how I have a lot of beautiful friends, female ones, but honestly I have a lot of good looking guy friends as well. I am really a guys girl. Guys love being my friend. I love sports, guy talk, I deal well with vulgarity, and they feel comfortable telling me anything and everything. Sometimes I even think like a guy, and I think that is what attracts men to me, but not in a romantic way, its like I have several "bromances" but I am not a bro. Most of my friends of the opposite sex, I was attracted to in the beginning. When a man is good looking, and wants to spend lots of time with you, its hard not to be attracted to them. But its pretty easy for me to find out when they are "just friends" and not interested in more.
There are several signs that get to me to this assumption. It starts with not trying anything after several times of hanging out. Hanging out all the time, but not going out is another sign, although I was taken on a date with one of my good friends, before we were good friends. The tell to be 100% sure that a guy isn't interested in me is when he asks about one of my friends. This happens quite frequently, sometimes it makes me feel as if he is using to get to my friends, but to prevent to sounding upset or bitter or revealing my discomfort and true feelings, of course I entertain it. My entertaining of this, is yet another topic.
Because I have encountered this same relationship with men several times, I find myself expecting it to occur. If I don't get the "interested in you more than friends vibe" I tend to immediately put him in the "friend zone". I know that others of you have done this as well. It is self- sabatoge. I won't lie, I am scared to be rejected just like the anyone else, and having a slight attraction or crush on someone then finding out they really want to be with any of your friends, well is quite disheartening. I guess that's why its called a "crush". I am not going to sit here and say that men are rude ( even then a lot of them are) but if you are approaching a woman you do not know to ask about her friend, you are a pussy. Excuse my French, but please grow some cajonas and approach her yourself.
I love being the friend, and I love spending time with men, but it would be nice to spend time with a man that wants to have good conversation with me, and maybe a little something more. We can still talk about sports and watch ESPN, but maybe negate the sexual stories from last weekend. I am afraid that I am going to put someone that actually wants me as more than a friend in the friend zone and ruin a potential relationship. But am I willing to be vulnerable only to find out he is just another man in pursuit of my bff? I am not so sure.
Don't self sabotage your relationships!
Tiffany
There are several signs that get to me to this assumption. It starts with not trying anything after several times of hanging out. Hanging out all the time, but not going out is another sign, although I was taken on a date with one of my good friends, before we were good friends. The tell to be 100% sure that a guy isn't interested in me is when he asks about one of my friends. This happens quite frequently, sometimes it makes me feel as if he is using to get to my friends, but to prevent to sounding upset or bitter or revealing my discomfort and true feelings, of course I entertain it. My entertaining of this, is yet another topic.
Because I have encountered this same relationship with men several times, I find myself expecting it to occur. If I don't get the "interested in you more than friends vibe" I tend to immediately put him in the "friend zone". I know that others of you have done this as well. It is self- sabatoge. I won't lie, I am scared to be rejected just like the anyone else, and having a slight attraction or crush on someone then finding out they really want to be with any of your friends, well is quite disheartening. I guess that's why its called a "crush". I am not going to sit here and say that men are rude ( even then a lot of them are) but if you are approaching a woman you do not know to ask about her friend, you are a pussy. Excuse my French, but please grow some cajonas and approach her yourself.
I love being the friend, and I love spending time with men, but it would be nice to spend time with a man that wants to have good conversation with me, and maybe a little something more. We can still talk about sports and watch ESPN, but maybe negate the sexual stories from last weekend. I am afraid that I am going to put someone that actually wants me as more than a friend in the friend zone and ruin a potential relationship. But am I willing to be vulnerable only to find out he is just another man in pursuit of my bff? I am not so sure.
Don't self sabotage your relationships!
Tiffany
I'm Back
To all my followers, I apologize that I haven't not been posting so frequently. I will say that the last couple of weeks have been crazy, but I am also happy to say that I am finally a college graduate! I am living at home with my parents for the next couple of weeks, I thought that it would be hell, but I actually enjoy it. I stay up all evening, sleep all day, and my mother calls me when food is on the table. I am my father's personal chauffeur to the hospital and chemotherapy, but I don't mind. I don't have to pay for a damn thing and I love it, but I do know it is short lived, and soon I will be all on my own. Anyways, my weight loss is kind of at a stand still, but I just started back up to the routine. I like routines and schedules, they always enable me to eat right and eat less. When I am working and busy, I tend not to think about food, its the times like these when I am not doing anything that I get bored, sad, and eat eat eat! I hope that all of those that are trying to eat better are finding ways to work it into your daily routine. Remember exercise makes a huge difference, and you will start to feel better instantly with some daily workouts. I know I do!
God Bless,
Tiffany
God Bless,
Tiffany
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
What is Fat?
I have several friends that are serial dieters. I am not talking about doing Adkins, South Beach, or Weight Watchers, but going to extreme means to lose a few pounds. When I say few, I really mean less than 10. They don't have any more to lose. I am a firm believer of staying healthy (hence the point of this book), but I am not sure how healthy it is to cut calories to a ridiculous low and I know that I couldn't do it. Regardless of the health effects that come along with it, or the instant weight gain that proceeds, I commend these women for the determination to stay away from fat. I mean hey, "Thin is always in" right? I am not here to criticize anyone's personal convictions, but it does bring me to the question: What is fat?
Since I can remember I have been called fat, even when I wasn't fat. I was 5' tall when I was in the 3rd grade, and by the time I was in 5th grade I was 5'6". It is easy to mistake hips, thigh, and boobs for fat when you are 9 years old, or at least my classmates did. I went to an all white school for the entirety of my education. I refuse to call it "predominately white" because everyone was white besides me was white. There is a major difference between cultures when it comes to weight. I remember in high school when my guy friends would talk about other girls. They would call them fat asses because they had fat asses. These were the types of bodies that most of us black women would die for, but they were only "fat" in the eyes of a white man. I highly suggest that these women date black men if they aren't already.
So many of my female friends (black and white) complain about their weight in ways that drives any fatty crazy. I do apologize, but I can not be supportive of women with body image issues, that have, according to societies standards, perfect bodies. There is nothing worse to me then being in the dressing room of a department store, trying to put my thighs in a pair of skinny jeans, and then hearing "Oh my God Tiffany, I am so fat". When I walk out of my room she is standing there with her size 6 jeans zipped up, I repeat zipped up! If you are not in the double digits I don't really want to hear about your weight issues, because clearly you don't have any. I get it, people gain a few pounds here and there, but its nothing that can't be easily solved. Telling a fat person that you think you are fat when you are not, then turning around and trying to convince the real fatty that they aren't fat is contradicting and most importantly insulting. I wish I had a dollar for every time this situation has happened, oh I would be one rich woman!
Being fat is more than a pant size or a number on the scale, honestly its a mind set. A bad habit that needs to be broken. There are many fatties out there that really don't even know that they are fat, and that is perfectly fine. They are probably living care free lives, and they won't know that they are fat until they have a heart attack, stroke, or are diagnosed with diabetes.
If you are questioning if you are fat are not here are a few things that can help you decide:
If you can only fit the largest size in most department stores, you are probably fat.
If you are the last girl approached in your group of friends, you are probably fat, or ugly, or maybe a known slut, no I take the slut part back.
When someone is trying to think of insults to down you with, and all they can call you is a fat ass, you are probably fat. But you should take this as a compliment, because they had nothing else to say but the obvious.
If you go to the doctor's office ( no matter what kind) and he or she reminds you of your weight, you are probably fat. My chiropractor even reminded me of this, what's next, the dentist?
If people look at the seat next to you on the bus, and half of your ass is on it so they stand instead, you are probably fat.
If you don't wear belts because you can't find any in your size, you are probably fat.
I suggest that all of my fellow fatties stand up to their skinny bitch friends, and put them in their place. Next time you hear one of them call themselves fat ask them this, "Would you rather be my size?". If that doesn't shut her up, then offer to buy her a salad and water for lunch, it might work.
Recognize your weight, if you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, shut the hell up!
Best wishes,
Tiffany
Since I can remember I have been called fat, even when I wasn't fat. I was 5' tall when I was in the 3rd grade, and by the time I was in 5th grade I was 5'6". It is easy to mistake hips, thigh, and boobs for fat when you are 9 years old, or at least my classmates did. I went to an all white school for the entirety of my education. I refuse to call it "predominately white" because everyone was white besides me was white. There is a major difference between cultures when it comes to weight. I remember in high school when my guy friends would talk about other girls. They would call them fat asses because they had fat asses. These were the types of bodies that most of us black women would die for, but they were only "fat" in the eyes of a white man. I highly suggest that these women date black men if they aren't already.
So many of my female friends (black and white) complain about their weight in ways that drives any fatty crazy. I do apologize, but I can not be supportive of women with body image issues, that have, according to societies standards, perfect bodies. There is nothing worse to me then being in the dressing room of a department store, trying to put my thighs in a pair of skinny jeans, and then hearing "Oh my God Tiffany, I am so fat". When I walk out of my room she is standing there with her size 6 jeans zipped up, I repeat zipped up! If you are not in the double digits I don't really want to hear about your weight issues, because clearly you don't have any. I get it, people gain a few pounds here and there, but its nothing that can't be easily solved. Telling a fat person that you think you are fat when you are not, then turning around and trying to convince the real fatty that they aren't fat is contradicting and most importantly insulting. I wish I had a dollar for every time this situation has happened, oh I would be one rich woman!
Being fat is more than a pant size or a number on the scale, honestly its a mind set. A bad habit that needs to be broken. There are many fatties out there that really don't even know that they are fat, and that is perfectly fine. They are probably living care free lives, and they won't know that they are fat until they have a heart attack, stroke, or are diagnosed with diabetes.
If you are questioning if you are fat are not here are a few things that can help you decide:
If you can only fit the largest size in most department stores, you are probably fat.
If you are the last girl approached in your group of friends, you are probably fat, or ugly, or maybe a known slut, no I take the slut part back.
When someone is trying to think of insults to down you with, and all they can call you is a fat ass, you are probably fat. But you should take this as a compliment, because they had nothing else to say but the obvious.
If you go to the doctor's office ( no matter what kind) and he or she reminds you of your weight, you are probably fat. My chiropractor even reminded me of this, what's next, the dentist?
If people look at the seat next to you on the bus, and half of your ass is on it so they stand instead, you are probably fat.
If you don't wear belts because you can't find any in your size, you are probably fat.
I suggest that all of my fellow fatties stand up to their skinny bitch friends, and put them in their place. Next time you hear one of them call themselves fat ask them this, "Would you rather be my size?". If that doesn't shut her up, then offer to buy her a salad and water for lunch, it might work.
Recognize your weight, if you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, shut the hell up!
Best wishes,
Tiffany
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Emotional Eater
As many others out there, when I am upset, I eat. It is a terrible problem, because the more I eat the more unhappy I am, then I create this crazy cycle of eating more, and more, and more...
The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me. Not because of the stress of school and graduating, but my because of way more important things. My father was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease ( a form of cancer of the lymph nodes) in 2002. He was treated with chemotherapy for a year, and was put into remission. Since then he was forced to retired due to his health, but he was close to retirement so it wasn't that bad. Last couple of times that I went home I could sense that something was wrong. My father's behavior overall had changed. He can barely breath, he is on oxygen, and it hard for him to walk anywhere. I knew that things weren't good, but I didn't want to say anything without reason from doctors. I found out this week that the cancer has returned in a form of a tumor on his other lung. They can treat it, but it is cancer. I have been mentally prepared for the worse for years, but facing reality and death isn't always easy. There are no guarantees in life.
Financial stress is another things that always seems to plague me. Graduating is great, and knowing that I am going to have a job in the fall is even better, but the transition from student loans to no paycheck is a killer on my wallet. I just keep praying that I can make it through the summer.
I know that I talk a lot about my weight and weight loss, and how important that it is to me. But I do want you to understand that there are things that are way more important that self image or even health. I try to make my friends and family a priority at all times, and I hope you all do the same.
I had said earlier that I have only lost 1 lb in the last couple weeks, and it is extremely discouraging. In America we want instant gratification, which means a slow weight loss isn't something that I really enjoy. I am not patient about anything in life, and I would love to spend my summer in a two-piece bikini, but realistically that is not gonna happen. Sometimes I get ahead of myself, and I set unrealistic goals, which in return just lead to disappointment. I suggest that you set small goals that you know you can reach, and if you reach them too easily, start setting tougher ones.
I need to get into beast mode asap, because I want to be healthier and I want to be slimmer before I start my new job. Hopefully with the support of all of my readers, and some motivation I will reach my goals!
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me. Not because of the stress of school and graduating, but my because of way more important things. My father was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease ( a form of cancer of the lymph nodes) in 2002. He was treated with chemotherapy for a year, and was put into remission. Since then he was forced to retired due to his health, but he was close to retirement so it wasn't that bad. Last couple of times that I went home I could sense that something was wrong. My father's behavior overall had changed. He can barely breath, he is on oxygen, and it hard for him to walk anywhere. I knew that things weren't good, but I didn't want to say anything without reason from doctors. I found out this week that the cancer has returned in a form of a tumor on his other lung. They can treat it, but it is cancer. I have been mentally prepared for the worse for years, but facing reality and death isn't always easy. There are no guarantees in life.
Financial stress is another things that always seems to plague me. Graduating is great, and knowing that I am going to have a job in the fall is even better, but the transition from student loans to no paycheck is a killer on my wallet. I just keep praying that I can make it through the summer.
I know that I talk a lot about my weight and weight loss, and how important that it is to me. But I do want you to understand that there are things that are way more important that self image or even health. I try to make my friends and family a priority at all times, and I hope you all do the same.
I had said earlier that I have only lost 1 lb in the last couple weeks, and it is extremely discouraging. In America we want instant gratification, which means a slow weight loss isn't something that I really enjoy. I am not patient about anything in life, and I would love to spend my summer in a two-piece bikini, but realistically that is not gonna happen. Sometimes I get ahead of myself, and I set unrealistic goals, which in return just lead to disappointment. I suggest that you set small goals that you know you can reach, and if you reach them too easily, start setting tougher ones.
I need to get into beast mode asap, because I want to be healthier and I want to be slimmer before I start my new job. Hopefully with the support of all of my readers, and some motivation I will reach my goals!
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
Day 24
So its been 24 days and I am down one more pound. I know that its not a lot, but I have been under an extreme amount of stress and stress does affect your weight. Here is what I ate today. I didn't eat breakfast because I slept til 3. Don't judge me!
Lunch
Grilled Chicken Taco w/ whole grain tortilla 492 calories ( 4 oz of chicken)
Dinner
Whole Grain Rigatoni w/ chicken tomato, mushrooms, spinach, and a sprinkle of feta cheese 310 calories ( only use a cup of pasta)
Sweet Potato w/ tbs of smart choice butter and cinnamon (substitute cinnamon instead of brown sugar)
Dessert
Ice Cream 130 (small portion)
Total: 1063
Tiffany Tips:
Load your diet with high fiber foods, and use whole grains as much as possible. These foods are better for you and keep you feeling satisfied. They are also great for digestion, trust me you will see a change!
Try to replace unhealthy flavors with healthy options. I like to use cinnamon instead of brown sugar. It cuts the calories, and obviously the sugar.
Eat super foods like crazy. Avacados, spinach, and sweat potatoes are integrated into my weekly diet. Avacado is high in fat but extremely healthy, eat no more than half a day!
Drink hot green tea in the morning and you will feel great. It boosts your energy and also keeps you full!
Keep on keeping on!
Tiffany
Lunch
Grilled Chicken Taco w/ whole grain tortilla 492 calories ( 4 oz of chicken)
Dinner
Whole Grain Rigatoni w/ chicken tomato, mushrooms, spinach, and a sprinkle of feta cheese 310 calories ( only use a cup of pasta)
Sweet Potato w/ tbs of smart choice butter and cinnamon (substitute cinnamon instead of brown sugar)
Dessert
Ice Cream 130 (small portion)
Total: 1063
Load your diet with high fiber foods, and use whole grains as much as possible. These foods are better for you and keep you feeling satisfied. They are also great for digestion, trust me you will see a change!
Try to replace unhealthy flavors with healthy options. I like to use cinnamon instead of brown sugar. It cuts the calories, and obviously the sugar.
Eat super foods like crazy. Avacados, spinach, and sweat potatoes are integrated into my weekly diet. Avacado is high in fat but extremely healthy, eat no more than half a day!
Drink hot green tea in the morning and you will feel great. It boosts your energy and also keeps you full!
Keep on keeping on!
Tiffany
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Shadow
So I am up late with nothing to do, and I just got done looking through a whole lot of facebook pictures. Do you ever look at a picture of yourself and think "Damn... I look good"? I don't know if you have but I am not going to sit here and lie like I don't. When I was a little girl all the white ladies used to tell me that I was going to grow up to be a model. This was pre-fatty. I looked older than all the other kids, I was tall, had a head full of wild hair, and was gorgeous. You know those type of kids that you know will be beautiful when they get older? That was me. I am not trying to sound conceited because trust me, I do not feel that same way anymore. But truthfully my mother was told she had a gorgeous child all the time. Now people, especially my family, ask me when I am going to lose weight, and I am told that I have a "pretty face". The compliments have faded, and part of that is due to age, but most of it is due to the fact that people cannot look beyond fat. Old people love me still, for some reason there are more perceptive to bigger women, I will never hear my grandmother question my weight.
I hang with a beautiful group of women. When I say beautiful, I truly mean it. Guys ask me all the time to hook them up with my friends (something that I will come back to later), and they always ask me if my friends are attractive. When I tell them that I don't have any ugly friends they do not believe me. For some reason men believe that there has to be at least one ugly friend, since we don't have one in our group, I guess that means that the fat one replaces the ugly one, and that's me.
I have always been friends with beautiful people, and it is not because I am shallow or because I think they would make me look better ( and they don't), but my friends are more than just pretty faces. They are smart, charming, well-liked, articulate, educated, have morals... etc. more importantly single, just like me. I never really understood why, and it still is this crazy paradox that I am trying to decode. Regardless of the reason, this is not part of my problem. Hanging with gorgeous charming women is great, and it attracts men that I tend to love. But there is a down fall...
I do not want to sound bitter towards any of my friends, because I am not. I love them, and they are my family, but I do want to express my personal experiences and the emotions and thoughts that come along with me on this journey. More times than not I find myself feeling like a shadow, the dark ugly figure in the corner that exists, but is rarely noticed. A shadow is the absence of light, and most people don't notice them or want them unless things gets too hot or too cold, and that's how I feel people view me at times. I do not matter until things get tough and you need to notice me in a situation, because I bring a lot to the table. When a group of men approach me and my female friends, I have to take a specific approach. I can't be too loud, which most of the time I am, because they will think that I am obnoxious and trying to block, if I say nothing, then I go completely unnoticed. Can you believe that I have actually been with a few of my friends and a male came up to talk to me girl, completely ignored me, and didn't even introduce himself to me. I was completed offended. I have walked down the streets with a girl and felt like Solange two steps behind Beyonce.
The crazy part is I do not think that any of my friends are particularly more gorgeous than the others, and this includes me. I have even been told that I am prettier than the rest of my friends, regardless if that is true or not, I will never be recognized in public that way ever, because I am a fatty. I was once having a conversation with a male friend of mine about New Year's resolutions. I was talking about my weight loss plan, and he told me that him and another friend were talking about how I am probably the most gorgeous girl on campus, and if I lost weight everyone else would see it. Its hard to take that as a compliment, because essentially he is telling me that underneath the fat, which is part of me, I am great, but with it, not so much.
My purpose is not for you to feel sorry for me, because I am blessed beyond belief. I want those who share these experiences to know that there are people that feel the same way, and those of you that don't, I want you to be empathetic to those who are different, because although most of the things that happen to me are minute and subtle, they slowly impact me and are subtle. I was speaking with my ex boyfriend the other day, and he was telling me about how insecure I was in our relationship two years ago. He was a college football player in Georgia, and I was just this random girl he had met. He consistently reminded of how inadequate I was to him. He walked two steps ahead of me, and even called me a liar, because I told him about how I wanted to lose weight and I didn't. I know, I was stupid and I learned a lot from this relationship and a lot about myself. One summer I had lost 15 lbs, I wasn't as big as I am now, so that was a very good accomplishment. I asked my boyfriend at the time if he noticed, and he simply answered no. At this moment I gave up. The person that I wanted to notice my weight loss didn't. I was devastated.
People want to know how the hell you can let someone else mess with your self-esteem, and let me tell you, my ex was not the first person to make me feel the way I did at the moment. He was one of many, and although it is easy to ignore one gnat, have a swarm of those mutha f*&$ers come up on you and ask me how you feel then. You will be swatting and running around in circles like crazy. That is pretty much how my life operates when I am down and out, and these gnats are yacking in my ear about crazy bullshit. It is much easier to believe the negative than the positive. Think about it. If you are having a standard day, and someone tells you something great, then someone brings you down, your day is no longer great, it sucks. You instantly forget about the compliment or good deed that you received earlier in the day. It is the way that the human brain operates, and it is unfortunate.
When I am no longer a fatty,( I will always be one at heart) I wonder if I will still feel the same about this situation?
Just remember: We are all insecure, I am just the first to admit it!- Kanye West
Tiffany
I hang with a beautiful group of women. When I say beautiful, I truly mean it. Guys ask me all the time to hook them up with my friends (something that I will come back to later), and they always ask me if my friends are attractive. When I tell them that I don't have any ugly friends they do not believe me. For some reason men believe that there has to be at least one ugly friend, since we don't have one in our group, I guess that means that the fat one replaces the ugly one, and that's me.
I have always been friends with beautiful people, and it is not because I am shallow or because I think they would make me look better ( and they don't), but my friends are more than just pretty faces. They are smart, charming, well-liked, articulate, educated, have morals... etc. more importantly single, just like me. I never really understood why, and it still is this crazy paradox that I am trying to decode. Regardless of the reason, this is not part of my problem. Hanging with gorgeous charming women is great, and it attracts men that I tend to love. But there is a down fall...
I do not want to sound bitter towards any of my friends, because I am not. I love them, and they are my family, but I do want to express my personal experiences and the emotions and thoughts that come along with me on this journey. More times than not I find myself feeling like a shadow, the dark ugly figure in the corner that exists, but is rarely noticed. A shadow is the absence of light, and most people don't notice them or want them unless things gets too hot or too cold, and that's how I feel people view me at times. I do not matter until things get tough and you need to notice me in a situation, because I bring a lot to the table. When a group of men approach me and my female friends, I have to take a specific approach. I can't be too loud, which most of the time I am, because they will think that I am obnoxious and trying to block, if I say nothing, then I go completely unnoticed. Can you believe that I have actually been with a few of my friends and a male came up to talk to me girl, completely ignored me, and didn't even introduce himself to me. I was completed offended. I have walked down the streets with a girl and felt like Solange two steps behind Beyonce.
The crazy part is I do not think that any of my friends are particularly more gorgeous than the others, and this includes me. I have even been told that I am prettier than the rest of my friends, regardless if that is true or not, I will never be recognized in public that way ever, because I am a fatty. I was once having a conversation with a male friend of mine about New Year's resolutions. I was talking about my weight loss plan, and he told me that him and another friend were talking about how I am probably the most gorgeous girl on campus, and if I lost weight everyone else would see it. Its hard to take that as a compliment, because essentially he is telling me that underneath the fat, which is part of me, I am great, but with it, not so much.
My purpose is not for you to feel sorry for me, because I am blessed beyond belief. I want those who share these experiences to know that there are people that feel the same way, and those of you that don't, I want you to be empathetic to those who are different, because although most of the things that happen to me are minute and subtle, they slowly impact me and are subtle. I was speaking with my ex boyfriend the other day, and he was telling me about how insecure I was in our relationship two years ago. He was a college football player in Georgia, and I was just this random girl he had met. He consistently reminded of how inadequate I was to him. He walked two steps ahead of me, and even called me a liar, because I told him about how I wanted to lose weight and I didn't. I know, I was stupid and I learned a lot from this relationship and a lot about myself. One summer I had lost 15 lbs, I wasn't as big as I am now, so that was a very good accomplishment. I asked my boyfriend at the time if he noticed, and he simply answered no. At this moment I gave up. The person that I wanted to notice my weight loss didn't. I was devastated.
People want to know how the hell you can let someone else mess with your self-esteem, and let me tell you, my ex was not the first person to make me feel the way I did at the moment. He was one of many, and although it is easy to ignore one gnat, have a swarm of those mutha f*&$ers come up on you and ask me how you feel then. You will be swatting and running around in circles like crazy. That is pretty much how my life operates when I am down and out, and these gnats are yacking in my ear about crazy bullshit. It is much easier to believe the negative than the positive. Think about it. If you are having a standard day, and someone tells you something great, then someone brings you down, your day is no longer great, it sucks. You instantly forget about the compliment or good deed that you received earlier in the day. It is the way that the human brain operates, and it is unfortunate.
When I am no longer a fatty,( I will always be one at heart) I wonder if I will still feel the same about this situation?
Just remember: We are all insecure, I am just the first to admit it!- Kanye West
Tiffany
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Chubby Chasers
I think that every fatty has a an interesting experience while dating. Maybe some of you date other fatties, or you have a chubby chaser, my problem is I don't like either. I am not just a big girl, I am a tall girl. I am about 5'10" and when I wear heels I can be up to 6'2" so I don't really like short guys. I will date a guy my height if he is built like Reggie Bush, and believe it or not I have had more than a few that are! Basically I like running backs and linemen ( in the sense of body types. No jersey chasing over here). The problem is all these skinny short dudes love me, and I really don't understand. I look like their older sister or auntie. What can I do with someone that weighs less than 180 lbs besides crush him? I literally get scared to even think about intimacy although I have heard some great things that are not appropriate for this site. But anyways, as a cute fat chick its really hard to find a guy. I don't like ugly dudes because honestly I am not ugly! The big dark chocolate men that I love are always playing around with these little skinny hoes. Have you men ever felt on a thick chick? We are so soft you would love us!
Most of you probably think that I am picky, but I am really not. I give any man that is a gentleman and that approaches me with manners a chance. The problem is not that many do. I am a good woman. I know, I know, a lot of people say that, but seriously I will list my qualities and faults and let's see who disagrees.
Pros
-Extremely intelligent and intellectual ( there is a difference)
-Loving beyond belief ( it gets me in trouble)
-Ride or Die ( this also gets me in trouble)
-I always have a job and I don't ask for shit
-College degree
-Beautiful
-Witty, sometimes even funny
-good credit
-decent reputation ( everyone is called a hoe at some point in time)
-God fearing ( I've read the Bible through 3 or 4 times)
Cons
-Bitchie
-loud
-curse like a sailor
-stubborn
-divaish tendencies
-nosey beyond belief ( especially if I don't trust your ass)
-a Fatty
Looking at the list I still feel like my pros outweigh my cons, but I am not the judge. Unfortunately my last con, being a fatty, seems to weigh so heavy. It is something that some guys just can't get past. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told how beautiful my face is. That is not a compliment fellas. Why couldn't you just tell me that I was beautiful? I was actually told that the other day by a guy that was interested. Then he proceeded to tell me that he liked girls with more meat. What I don't understand is why that was needed. When I wake up in the morning I see in the mirror that I am bigger than average. Maybe he thought that I would otherwise be insecure? I didn't have to remind him that he was old and bald did I? What these men fail to realize is that I actually pull very attractive guys. Some girls fail to realize this too, so watch your man, I am known to steal them!
I wish I could list the names of the very attractive guys ( some with girlfriends) that have attempted to talk to me. Most of them won't approach me in front of others, they are too insecure to do that. But as soon as we are alone they can't help but be attracted to my impeccable charm! I kid! I kid! But seriously, it is sad that I have to be the undercover boo. I guess having 9 out of 10 great qualities isn't enough. I refuse to lose this battle, I will press on!
Don't lose faith is love fatties!
Tiffany
Most of you probably think that I am picky, but I am really not. I give any man that is a gentleman and that approaches me with manners a chance. The problem is not that many do. I am a good woman. I know, I know, a lot of people say that, but seriously I will list my qualities and faults and let's see who disagrees.
Pros
-Extremely intelligent and intellectual ( there is a difference)
-Loving beyond belief ( it gets me in trouble)
-Ride or Die ( this also gets me in trouble)
-I always have a job and I don't ask for shit
-College degree
-Beautiful
-Witty, sometimes even funny
-good credit
-decent reputation ( everyone is called a hoe at some point in time)
-God fearing ( I've read the Bible through 3 or 4 times)
Cons
-Bitchie
-loud
-curse like a sailor
-stubborn
-divaish tendencies
-nosey beyond belief ( especially if I don't trust your ass)
-a Fatty
Looking at the list I still feel like my pros outweigh my cons, but I am not the judge. Unfortunately my last con, being a fatty, seems to weigh so heavy. It is something that some guys just can't get past. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told how beautiful my face is. That is not a compliment fellas. Why couldn't you just tell me that I was beautiful? I was actually told that the other day by a guy that was interested. Then he proceeded to tell me that he liked girls with more meat. What I don't understand is why that was needed. When I wake up in the morning I see in the mirror that I am bigger than average. Maybe he thought that I would otherwise be insecure? I didn't have to remind him that he was old and bald did I? What these men fail to realize is that I actually pull very attractive guys. Some girls fail to realize this too, so watch your man, I am known to steal them!
I wish I could list the names of the very attractive guys ( some with girlfriends) that have attempted to talk to me. Most of them won't approach me in front of others, they are too insecure to do that. But as soon as we are alone they can't help but be attracted to my impeccable charm! I kid! I kid! But seriously, it is sad that I have to be the undercover boo. I guess having 9 out of 10 great qualities isn't enough. I refuse to lose this battle, I will press on!
Don't lose faith is love fatties!
Tiffany
Monday, April 26, 2010
Day 19
Yesterday was the recovery period and today I am back in action. Do not judge my lunch decision because it was a date and it was free! Who turns down a free meal? Here's what I ate:
Breakfast: Egg beaters egg white omelet with spinach and low fat cheese 65 calories!
Two slices of whole wheat toast and small portion of smart balance butter 180 calories
Lunch: General Tzo's chicken and white rice ( do not judge) 600 cals est.
Dinner: Tilapia Fish tacos with Mango salsa on whole wheat tortillas 450 cals ( I had two huge tacos! I was starving)
Total: 1295
I also worked out for an hour today at my power strength class. It really did kick my ass!
Til next times fatties!
Tiffany
Breakfast: Egg beaters egg white omelet with spinach and low fat cheese 65 calories!
Two slices of whole wheat toast and small portion of smart balance butter 180 calories
Lunch: General Tzo's chicken and white rice ( do not judge) 600 cals est.
Dinner: Tilapia Fish tacos with Mango salsa on whole wheat tortillas 450 cals ( I had two huge tacos! I was starving)
Total: 1295
I also worked out for an hour today at my power strength class. It really did kick my ass!
Til next times fatties!
Tiffany
Fat or Fun?
I know the last week I have been MIA, and there is a great reason for this. It was the week of Little 500, a famous bike race and great excuse to get drunk. Since this is my last Lil 5, the biggest party week in college history, and I don't have classes, I said, "F my diet, I am getting drunk!". I honestly gained weight this week, but I don't care. I rather enjoy my life, my friends, and experiences that I can't recreate, then be miserable for 7 days so that I can drop some more weight. But this does bring me to a great question that a lot of you fellow fatties are wanting to know the answer to: Can you be on a weight loss plan and still enjoy your life?
This is honestly one of the hardest questions to answer. It really deters me from dieting because I am in such a social setting right now in my life, and most of my friends are really into eating healthy and working out. Binge drinking is a nightly, yes nightly, temptation. I am asked to go out to eat at places that don't have healthy options i.e. Mexican. But my personal goal is to not stop my life, but continue to live as a vivacious 20-something.
Unfortunately the life of a fat person really isn't that much fun. Everyday I wake up and weigh myself. I think about my weight when I eat, drink, and get dressed. I think about my weight more than I probably think about everything else. It is part of me, and it part of my daily life. So to eliminate the only fun that I have in my life is not gonna happen. I will say that I am done with drinking and honestly I don't know if I really want to be a regular drinker once I graduate. Maybe just on my birthday.
Tomorrow I am going to have to wake up early, weigh myself, think about how I gained a few pounds this week, and get back in action. Although it is hard work, I am a much happier person when I weigh less. I know that I will also feel fat on the inside, but I much rather be healthy!
Till we meet again,
Tiffany
This is honestly one of the hardest questions to answer. It really deters me from dieting because I am in such a social setting right now in my life, and most of my friends are really into eating healthy and working out. Binge drinking is a nightly, yes nightly, temptation. I am asked to go out to eat at places that don't have healthy options i.e. Mexican. But my personal goal is to not stop my life, but continue to live as a vivacious 20-something.
Unfortunately the life of a fat person really isn't that much fun. Everyday I wake up and weigh myself. I think about my weight when I eat, drink, and get dressed. I think about my weight more than I probably think about everything else. It is part of me, and it part of my daily life. So to eliminate the only fun that I have in my life is not gonna happen. I will say that I am done with drinking and honestly I don't know if I really want to be a regular drinker once I graduate. Maybe just on my birthday.
Tomorrow I am going to have to wake up early, weigh myself, think about how I gained a few pounds this week, and get back in action. Although it is hard work, I am a much happier person when I weigh less. I know that I will also feel fat on the inside, but I much rather be healthy!
Till we meet again,
Tiffany
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Jazzersize
No matter how athletic or coordinated you are, if you are fat, you look like you can't do anything. When fat people dance, run, jump, etc. they just look fat. There is absolutely nothing appealing about it at all. I am athletic, coordinated and all of the above, but even I look stupid when I work out.
My best friend is a fitness instructor and I usually go to her power core and strength classes a couple times a week. They are 45-60 minutes long and very enjoyable. Afterward I always feel tired, like I accomplished something, and the next day I really feel it by not being able to get out of bed.
Today Kayla invited me to go to some classes with her that she didn't teach. Big mistake. I chose the Cardio Core class, not thinking about the cardio. Big people hate cardio. Actually I think EVERYONE hates cardio. I don't mind running because it makes sense, you are going somewhere, but in a class you can't run, so instead you do dumb shit like jump. I HATE jumping. I also hate choreographed cardio that resembles, stepping or jazzersize. The teachers for these classes are not fat friendly. They are usually about as big as my pinky, and to make it worse, they are over the top bubby, asking me every 5 secs how I am doing. My answer: I just blacked out both of my eyes with my torpedo double D's doing starfish jump and jacks, how the F do you think I am doing? Another things that I hate about these classes is the moves that they expect you to complete. Everything resembles either an animal, or an exercise without a piece of equipment. "Okay now we are going to lay on the floor and do the fish, after that we are going to jump rope without the ropes!" Did I say that I hate jumping? We all looked ridiculous, but I, the only fat girl in the class, looked dumb even when my form was right, and these other skinny hoes were half assing it thinking about what they were going to where out tonight and if they should eat celery or carrots for dinner. What makes the class worse ( yes it gets worse) is the techno music playing over her extra squeaky voice that I have to strain to hear. Techno is the European invention that destroys black music. White people always find a way to mess our shit up, just so they can dance around, while holding glow sticks and make out with complete strangers while they pass X on their tongues. Anyways... everything about the class sucked... and I didn't even sweat that much in an hour!
My night gets even better, because we then attended a "hip-hop" class after that. Let me tell you, white people think that hip-hop is rolling your hips and doing watered down versions of the chicken head and Harlem shake to Chris brown songs. I used to dance, so I do have some type of rhythm, but this chick wanted us to look like fools. I bet she put a hidden camera in the corner and plays this shit to her friends on Thirsty Thursdays while they drink cheap beer, and point and laugh. "Hey look the black girl can't even do hip-hop!" Well honey, that was NOT hip-hop. I digress.
I hope that you all feel empowered to go to a new class at your gym!
Your fellow jazzersizing fatty,
Tiffany
My best friend is a fitness instructor and I usually go to her power core and strength classes a couple times a week. They are 45-60 minutes long and very enjoyable. Afterward I always feel tired, like I accomplished something, and the next day I really feel it by not being able to get out of bed.
Today Kayla invited me to go to some classes with her that she didn't teach. Big mistake. I chose the Cardio Core class, not thinking about the cardio. Big people hate cardio. Actually I think EVERYONE hates cardio. I don't mind running because it makes sense, you are going somewhere, but in a class you can't run, so instead you do dumb shit like jump. I HATE jumping. I also hate choreographed cardio that resembles, stepping or jazzersize. The teachers for these classes are not fat friendly. They are usually about as big as my pinky, and to make it worse, they are over the top bubby, asking me every 5 secs how I am doing. My answer: I just blacked out both of my eyes with my torpedo double D's doing starfish jump and jacks, how the F do you think I am doing? Another things that I hate about these classes is the moves that they expect you to complete. Everything resembles either an animal, or an exercise without a piece of equipment. "Okay now we are going to lay on the floor and do the fish, after that we are going to jump rope without the ropes!" Did I say that I hate jumping? We all looked ridiculous, but I, the only fat girl in the class, looked dumb even when my form was right, and these other skinny hoes were half assing it thinking about what they were going to where out tonight and if they should eat celery or carrots for dinner. What makes the class worse ( yes it gets worse) is the techno music playing over her extra squeaky voice that I have to strain to hear. Techno is the European invention that destroys black music. White people always find a way to mess our shit up, just so they can dance around, while holding glow sticks and make out with complete strangers while they pass X on their tongues. Anyways... everything about the class sucked... and I didn't even sweat that much in an hour!
My night gets even better, because we then attended a "hip-hop" class after that. Let me tell you, white people think that hip-hop is rolling your hips and doing watered down versions of the chicken head and Harlem shake to Chris brown songs. I used to dance, so I do have some type of rhythm, but this chick wanted us to look like fools. I bet she put a hidden camera in the corner and plays this shit to her friends on Thirsty Thursdays while they drink cheap beer, and point and laugh. "Hey look the black girl can't even do hip-hop!" Well honey, that was NOT hip-hop. I digress.
I hope that you all feel empowered to go to a new class at your gym!
Your fellow jazzersizing fatty,
Tiffany
Day 7
So its day 7 and I couldn't be more happy. I have lost at least 4 lbs, been eating healthy and working out consistently. I know its cliche, but when you take care of yourself and your body, you do feel a whole lot better! Here is what I ate today!
Breakfast
Egg beaters- 35 cals
Oatmeal w/ skim and brown sugar 200
Snack
crystal light pop sickle 15
Lunch
Tuna w/ light mayo 150
Saltines 150
snack
almonds 100
Dinner
Jimmy Johns Beach Club unwhich 200
Total- 850 ( I am going to eat again after the post!)
Breakfast
Egg beaters- 35 cals
Oatmeal w/ skim and brown sugar 200
Snack
crystal light pop sickle 15
Lunch
Tuna w/ light mayo 150
Saltines 150
snack
almonds 100
Dinner
Jimmy Johns Beach Club unwhich 200
Total- 850 ( I am going to eat again after the post!)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Day 5
Sorry I have been M.I.A.! I have been traveling and I am finally back at school. I have some exciting news! Not only did I meet my 3 pound goal, but I actually lost 4 lbs this week! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but creating small weekly goals will eventually lead to nice large ones! I didn't even exercise like I wanted to this past week. So I have lost a total of 15lbs! I am not going to write down all of my journals from the past three days, but I do want to share some helpful hints about eating out, on the road, and fast food.
You CAN eat out and eat fast food, but you have to be smart, and you really need to understand portions. Over the years, the American plate has gotten bigger and bigger, and so has the food, in return this directly reflects how fat our asses really are! If you use a smaller plate, or have the kitchen box half of your food before you eat, you will save so many calories.
This week I went to McDonald's on my drive back to school ( almost 4 hours). I ate a hamburger (no cheese) a snack size fruit and yogurt parfait and had a small water. I spent $2 and only ate about 400 calories. If at all possible stay away from breads, cheese, and fatty condiments like mayonaise. Jimmy Johns is another spot that I hit up this week. I love their Beach Club. Turkey, avacado, sprouts, etc...and the best part is that you can get on a lettuce wrap, which I love! It may sound not-so-good, but the crunchy lettuce gives me a oral orgasm, and it elimates a lot of carbs and calories from the white bread. The point? "Beach Club Un-which"= >200 Can't beat that for a lunch!
Well I have to get some sleep so I can get up and work out!
Keep shedding the pounds! Your fellow fatty!
Tiffany
You CAN eat out and eat fast food, but you have to be smart, and you really need to understand portions. Over the years, the American plate has gotten bigger and bigger, and so has the food, in return this directly reflects how fat our asses really are! If you use a smaller plate, or have the kitchen box half of your food before you eat, you will save so many calories.
This week I went to McDonald's on my drive back to school ( almost 4 hours). I ate a hamburger (no cheese) a snack size fruit and yogurt parfait and had a small water. I spent $2 and only ate about 400 calories. If at all possible stay away from breads, cheese, and fatty condiments like mayonaise. Jimmy Johns is another spot that I hit up this week. I love their Beach Club. Turkey, avacado, sprouts, etc...and the best part is that you can get on a lettuce wrap, which I love! It may sound not-so-good, but the crunchy lettuce gives me a oral orgasm, and it elimates a lot of carbs and calories from the white bread. The point? "Beach Club Un-which"= >200 Can't beat that for a lunch!
Well I have to get some sleep so I can get up and work out!
Keep shedding the pounds! Your fellow fatty!
Tiffany
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Ultimate Drug
Ask a fat person if he or she has ever been on a diet and they will say yes. Ask them if they are ever lost weight and they will again say yes. The problem isn't the ability to lose weight, because we all have that ability, the problem is keeping it off. Being fat is an addiction, and probably the most difficult addiction to ever over come.
Temptations are everywhere, and yes food can kill you. We have all seen the morbidly obese people that can't walk or leave their homes, now argue with me about how it is NOT an addiction. The reason why food addiction is so prevalent and hard to stop is because you can't go to rehab for it. Of course you can cut your calories and exercise, but unlike cocaine, alcohol, or meth, you can't cut food completely out of your life. We have to eat to survive. Everyday I am tempted by Food Network, cookbooks, candy racks at Wal-Mart etc. And guess what? People don't give a damn that I eat, or eat a lot. The world is one giant enabler just waiting to hand me a piece of cake. When I gain back any weight, or pick up my favorite peanut butter filled cup, I am in a relapse.
To believe that all fat people are lazy and don't want to change is a big lie. I have spent the entirety of my life playing sports, eating pretty healthy, and healthier than my peers, but I still am fat. There are some of us that have to work to be a "normal" and acceptable weight. That is me!
I could complain and go on and on about how my life is not fair, but I chose not too. I know that I am blessed that I am even able to be fat, when there are millions of people that are starving in the world. If I could donate my fat to malnourished children, believe me I would be the first to do it, but it doesn't quite work that way. I just keep trucking on this journey of mine, trying to better my self, my future, my body, and my life.
Still fighting the fight,
Tiffany
Temptations are everywhere, and yes food can kill you. We have all seen the morbidly obese people that can't walk or leave their homes, now argue with me about how it is NOT an addiction. The reason why food addiction is so prevalent and hard to stop is because you can't go to rehab for it. Of course you can cut your calories and exercise, but unlike cocaine, alcohol, or meth, you can't cut food completely out of your life. We have to eat to survive. Everyday I am tempted by Food Network, cookbooks, candy racks at Wal-Mart etc. And guess what? People don't give a damn that I eat, or eat a lot. The world is one giant enabler just waiting to hand me a piece of cake. When I gain back any weight, or pick up my favorite peanut butter filled cup, I am in a relapse.
To believe that all fat people are lazy and don't want to change is a big lie. I have spent the entirety of my life playing sports, eating pretty healthy, and healthier than my peers, but I still am fat. There are some of us that have to work to be a "normal" and acceptable weight. That is me!
I could complain and go on and on about how my life is not fair, but I chose not too. I know that I am blessed that I am even able to be fat, when there are millions of people that are starving in the world. If I could donate my fat to malnourished children, believe me I would be the first to do it, but it doesn't quite work that way. I just keep trucking on this journey of mine, trying to better my self, my future, my body, and my life.
Still fighting the fight,
Tiffany
Day 2
Let's just keep it real ladies, mother nature sucks! I woke up feeling not-so-happy, and took my but right back to bed. But there is good news, I did pretty well on eating and maintaining my calories today. Here's the journal.
Breakfast-
Cheerios and skim 140
Snack-
24 almonds 160
Apple 80
Fresh Fruit Smoothie 8 oz 170
Dinner-
Grilled Chicken 4 oz 190
steamed broccoli 1/2 cup 27
Snack-
Fresh Fruit Smoothie 8oz 170
2 graham crackers 160?
Late night after my nap
Cheerios w 2% 150
1/2 cup of pineapple 50
Total 1164
Today I spent most of the day helping my parents with errands and other crazy things that they like me to do around the house. By the way, I am at home visiting my folks since I am officially done with college. I spent 2 + hours cleaning my car inside and out! Does that count as exercise? Because I was definitely sweating out there. I didn't get a chance for any scheduled cardio today due to me not feeling well and the extra stuff that I had to complete. Hopefully if the weather is nice I can get a nice run in the morning.
Breakfast-
Cheerios and skim 140
Snack-
24 almonds 160
Apple 80
Fresh Fruit Smoothie 8 oz 170
Dinner-
Grilled Chicken 4 oz 190
steamed broccoli 1/2 cup 27
Snack-
Fresh Fruit Smoothie 8oz 170
2 graham crackers 160?
Late night after my nap
Cheerios w 2% 150
1/2 cup of pineapple 50
Total 1164
Today I spent most of the day helping my parents with errands and other crazy things that they like me to do around the house. By the way, I am at home visiting my folks since I am officially done with college. I spent 2 + hours cleaning my car inside and out! Does that count as exercise? Because I was definitely sweating out there. I didn't get a chance for any scheduled cardio today due to me not feeling well and the extra stuff that I had to complete. Hopefully if the weather is nice I can get a nice run in the morning.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Day 1
Breakfast 2 bowls of cherriors with skim milk=280
snack 10 almonds ( great filling and super healthy!)=66
Dinner Whole wheat penne (fiber) w/ tomato and shrimp sauce 2 cups= 300
snack 20 almonds=132
Total=778 ... I didn't wake up until 1 that's why I haven't had that many calories today. You should really keep your cals above 1000 or your body goes into survival mode and starts storing fat! Not good! I plan to eat something when I finish my workout.
Exercise- Just finished about 20 minutes of abs and now I am about to get on the tredmill and do interval training while I watch Grey's :)
Tiffany the Fatty
Hello world!
My name is Tiffany and I have spent most of my life as a fat kid. Not an ordinary fat kid, but a well-liked, athletic, beautiful fat woman. There are a lot of beautiful bodacious women in the world that will tell you that they are completely happy with their bodies and their lives. These are all lies, unless of course, they are plus size models that are getting paid to be fat. But in any other case, as a woman that has struggled with weight for as long as I can remember, it is impossible for me to believe that there are women that enjoy being ignored, not being able to where whatever the hell they want, feeling embarrassed on the beach, not being able to shop in ordinary stores, etc.
I do not want you to think that I am complaining about my life that I am fully capable of changing, because I am blessed beyond imagination with so many other things in life. I have a great family, a future career, I am smart and of course funny, but by no means is being fat fun. I will always use the term "fat" for many different reasons. Black people have a tendency of covering up the word fat with thick, or big in order to not realize the severity of being obese. I am glad that as a race we are more understanding with weight, but we are the most obese race in the nation, and we are more prone to every disease imaginable due to it, so I rather understand that I am overweight, obese, and just plain fat, than disguise it as something that is beautiful. I rather live to see 35 then pretend I am something that I am not.
I blame my father for my obesity. When I was a child I wasn't big at all. I was tall as hell compared to everyone else my age but I wasn't fat. Then my dad started working nights and I stayed with him in the day time. Big mistake mom! I ate McDonald's everyday for lunch, and I was given a Kit Kat everyday after we left the gym! There is where my love for chocolate started. I was always involved sports and I became a very great basketball player, but still I was fat. Not as fat as I am now but I still had no dates, I was always the best friend, and most importantly I was miserable. My senior year of high school I decided I had enough. I wanted to feel beautiful and pretty during spring break and prom like everyone else. My mother and I started a 1500 calorie a day meal plan that was administered to her from the hospital, and I was eating right and playing basketball. I quickly lost 35 lbs. Honestly, that was probably the happiest I have ever been with my physical appearance. I lost the weight in 3 months, kept it off for a while, then I started the killer of all diets, college. I gained back all 35 lbs in my first year of college. In the last two years I have gained another 30 lbs! So what I thought was fat is now skinny, and I am now officially fat!
I am about to graduate college, I am 22 years old, single, and I am moving to Atlanta, Ga for a new job that I start this summer. Those who have been to the A know that the competition is thick (literally) and the straight men are scarce. I started this blog because I am ready to change my life. I understand that diet and exercise and extremely important to any weight loss plan, but I want to change my lifestyle. I want to not just run, but be a runner. I don't want to eat healthy, I want to be a healthy eater. The object is me!
Through this journey I will be recording my calories in a green little journal that I posted today. My goal is to eat healthy, lean, and high fiber meals that total under 1500 calories. I will also be recording my daily exercise. Over the next year I want to lose 70 lbs. I have currently lost 11. I would tell you my starting weight, but a real woman NEVER tells. I will weigh in at the end of each week and post how much I have lost. I want to lose 13 lbs in April alone so pray for me!
I hope this inspires others to get healthy as well!
Tiffany
My name is Tiffany and I have spent most of my life as a fat kid. Not an ordinary fat kid, but a well-liked, athletic, beautiful fat woman. There are a lot of beautiful bodacious women in the world that will tell you that they are completely happy with their bodies and their lives. These are all lies, unless of course, they are plus size models that are getting paid to be fat. But in any other case, as a woman that has struggled with weight for as long as I can remember, it is impossible for me to believe that there are women that enjoy being ignored, not being able to where whatever the hell they want, feeling embarrassed on the beach, not being able to shop in ordinary stores, etc.
I blame my father for my obesity. When I was a child I wasn't big at all. I was tall as hell compared to everyone else my age but I wasn't fat. Then my dad started working nights and I stayed with him in the day time. Big mistake mom! I ate McDonald's everyday for lunch, and I was given a Kit Kat everyday after we left the gym! There is where my love for chocolate started. I was always involved sports and I became a very great basketball player, but still I was fat. Not as fat as I am now but I still had no dates, I was always the best friend, and most importantly I was miserable. My senior year of high school I decided I had enough. I wanted to feel beautiful and pretty during spring break and prom like everyone else. My mother and I started a 1500 calorie a day meal plan that was administered to her from the hospital, and I was eating right and playing basketball. I quickly lost 35 lbs. Honestly, that was probably the happiest I have ever been with my physical appearance. I lost the weight in 3 months, kept it off for a while, then I started the killer of all diets, college. I gained back all 35 lbs in my first year of college. In the last two years I have gained another 30 lbs! So what I thought was fat is now skinny, and I am now officially fat!
I am about to graduate college, I am 22 years old, single, and I am moving to Atlanta, Ga for a new job that I start this summer. Those who have been to the A know that the competition is thick (literally) and the straight men are scarce. I started this blog because I am ready to change my life. I understand that diet and exercise and extremely important to any weight loss plan, but I want to change my lifestyle. I want to not just run, but be a runner. I don't want to eat healthy, I want to be a healthy eater. The object is me!
Through this journey I will be recording my calories in a green little journal that I posted today. My goal is to eat healthy, lean, and high fiber meals that total under 1500 calories. I will also be recording my daily exercise. Over the next year I want to lose 70 lbs. I have currently lost 11. I would tell you my starting weight, but a real woman NEVER tells. I will weigh in at the end of each week and post how much I have lost. I want to lose 13 lbs in April alone so pray for me!
I hope this inspires others to get healthy as well!
Tiffany
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