Jazzersize

No matter how athletic or coordinated you are, if you are fat, you look like you can't do anything. When fat people dance, run, jump, etc. they just look fat. There is absolutely nothing appealing about it at all. I am athletic, coordinated and all of the above, but even I look stupid when I work out.

My best friend is a fitness instructor and I usually go to her power core and strength classes a couple times a week. They are 45-60 minutes long and very enjoyable. Afterward I always feel tired, like I accomplished something,  and the next day I really feel it by not being able to get out of bed.

Today Kayla invited me to go to some classes with her that she didn't teach. Big mistake. I chose the Cardio Core class, not thinking about the cardio. Big people hate cardio. Actually I think EVERYONE hates cardio. I don't mind running because it makes sense, you are going somewhere, but in a class you can't run, so instead you do dumb shit like jump. I HATE jumping. I also hate choreographed cardio that resembles, stepping or jazzersize. The teachers for these classes are not fat friendly. They are usually about as big as my pinky, and to make it worse, they are over the top bubby, asking me every 5 secs how I am doing. My answer: I just blacked out both of my eyes with my torpedo double D's doing starfish jump and jacks, how the F do you think I am doing? Another things that I hate about these classes is the moves that they expect you to complete. Everything resembles either an animal, or an exercise without a piece of equipment. "Okay now we are going to lay on the floor and do the fish, after that we are going to jump rope without the ropes!" Did I say that I hate jumping? We all looked ridiculous, but I, the only fat girl in the class, looked dumb even when my form was right, and these other skinny hoes were half assing it thinking about what they were going to where out tonight and if they should eat celery or carrots for dinner. What makes the class worse ( yes it gets worse) is the techno music playing over her extra squeaky voice that I have to strain to hear. Techno is the European invention that destroys black music. White people always find a way to mess our shit up, just so they can dance around, while holding glow sticks and make out with complete strangers while they pass X on their tongues. Anyways... everything about the class sucked... and I didn't even sweat that much in an hour!

My night gets even better, because we then attended a "hip-hop" class after that. Let me tell you, white people think that hip-hop is rolling your hips and doing watered down versions of the chicken head and Harlem shake to Chris brown songs. I used to dance, so I do have some type of rhythm, but this chick wanted us to look like fools. I bet she put a hidden camera in the corner and plays this shit to her friends on Thirsty Thursdays while they drink cheap beer, and point and laugh. "Hey look the black girl can't even do hip-hop!" Well honey, that was NOT hip-hop. I digress.

I hope that you all feel empowered to go to a new class at your gym!


Your fellow jazzersizing fatty,

Tiffany