Recently I had an argument with a significant other that was not out of the ordinary. Lately, when I am having difficulties in my relationships I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. We tend to find it very easy to blame things on the other party, especially, like in my case, when the other person involved may have had some transgressions in the past. This makes us feel like we have one up on them. It gives a false premises about ourselves, that we are perfect or in a higher position, although we all know that we are not. I am all about forgiveness, and once I forgive I automatically let go of the past. Easier said then done.
After this argument, during my time of reflection and meditation, I realized that what was important to me wasn't really about what I wanted. It was more about what someone else had once had. I have been comparing everything that he had done with this other girl and I wanted to make sure that he did all those things with me plus some. Some of you may be confused so I will give you an example.
When my guy dated this girl I knew that they had went on more than one vacation together, something that we were supposed to but because of school it never worked out. I had always been envious of her for several reasons. Mainly because he became more serious with her after dating me, and did everything with her that I wanted for myself. Although I would never admit to myself how much it hurt me, it did. Now that we are seeing each other again, he brought up the vacation idea. Of course I was all for it and ecstatic. When there was a chance that we may not go, of course I started freaking out. It was less about actually going on the vacation, and more like feeling like he loved me just as much as he loved her.
Envy is such a terrible sin. It takes over your real feelings and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go on a vacation with him because I wanted to get away and get to spend some really quality time with the person that I loved, but my determination in the matter was fueled by my envy. The crazy thing about the entire situation is that I really don't even know what I am envious of. Of course I saw little bits and pieces of their relationship, but it obviously didn't work out. The more I talked with my man about the situation, the more I learned about why he dated her after me, and how not so happy it was sometimes.
Now you may be asking what this has to do with me being fat. Trust me there is always a connection. This same envy I have seen myself having with other girls. I am surrounded by beautiful girls all the time. All of my friends are gorgeous. I have one friend in particular that is gorgeous. Every time we go out she is approached by several good looking guys and she flirts and bats her eyelashes with confidence. But as soon as we leave the venue I have to continuously hear her complaining about her body, hair, or anything that just doesn't seem good enough to her. I would die for what she has, and I am not just talking about looks. She has the ability to get every males attention in the room. Now I know that on a good day I am gorgeous as well, but I do not have that ability.
Every week I hear about the same insecurities that she has and it is so disheartening. It is so saddening to hear this beautiful woman talk down about herself. I still have not figured out if she is really insecure or straining for attention, both are as equally tragic.
It is amazing to see how each of us contain our own set of insecurities: our bodies, intelligence, or relationships.
It makes me wonder, is the grass really greener on the other side?
Of course,
Green with Envy.
With all of my blessings,
Tiffany
No comments:
Post a Comment