The Shadow

So I am up late with nothing to do, and I just got done looking through a whole lot of facebook pictures. Do you ever look at a picture of yourself and think "Damn... I look good"? I don't know if you have but I am not going to sit here and lie like I don't. When I was a little girl all the white ladies used to tell me that I was going to grow up to be a model. This was pre-fatty. I looked older than all the other kids, I was tall, had a head full of wild hair, and was gorgeous. You know those type of kids that you know will be beautiful when they get older? That was me. I am not trying to sound conceited because trust me, I do not feel that same way anymore. But truthfully my mother was told she had a gorgeous child all the time. Now people, especially my family, ask me when I am going to lose weight, and I am told that I have a "pretty face". The compliments have faded, and part of that is due to age, but most of it is due to the fact that people cannot look beyond fat. Old people love me still, for some reason there are more perceptive to bigger women, I will never hear my grandmother question my weight.

I hang with a beautiful group of women. When I say beautiful, I truly mean it. Guys ask me all the time to hook them up with my friends (something that I will come back to later), and they always ask me if my friends are attractive. When I tell them that I don't have any ugly friends they do not believe me. For some reason men believe that there has to be at least one ugly friend, since we don't have one in our group, I guess that means that the fat one replaces the ugly one, and that's me.

I have always been friends with beautiful people, and it is not because I am shallow or because I think they would make me look better ( and they don't), but my friends are more than just pretty faces. They are smart, charming, well-liked, articulate, educated, have morals... etc. more importantly single, just like me. I never really understood why, and it still is this crazy paradox that I am trying to decode. Regardless of the reason, this is not part of my problem. Hanging with gorgeous charming women is great, and it attracts men that I tend to love. But there is a down fall...

I do not want to sound bitter towards any of my friends, because I am not. I love them, and they are my family, but I do want to express my personal experiences and the emotions and thoughts that come along with me on this journey. More times than not I find myself feeling like a shadow, the dark ugly figure in the corner that exists, but is rarely noticed. A shadow is the absence of light, and most people don't notice them or want them unless things gets too hot or too cold, and that's how I feel people view me at times. I do not matter until things get tough and you need to notice me in a situation, because I bring a lot to the table. When a group of men approach me and my female friends, I have to take a specific approach. I can't be too loud, which most of the time I am, because they will think that I am obnoxious and trying to block, if I say nothing, then I go completely unnoticed. Can you believe that I have actually been with a few of my friends and a male came up to talk to me girl, completely ignored me, and didn't even introduce himself to me. I was completed offended. I have walked down the streets with a girl and felt like Solange two steps behind Beyonce.

The crazy part is I do not think that any of my friends are particularly more gorgeous than the others, and this includes me. I have even been told that I am prettier than the rest of my friends, regardless if that is true or not, I will never be recognized in public that way ever, because I am a fatty. I was once having a conversation with a male friend of mine about New Year's resolutions. I was talking about my weight loss plan, and he told me that him and another friend were talking about how I am probably the most gorgeous girl on campus, and if I lost weight everyone else would see it. Its hard to take that as a compliment, because essentially he is telling me that underneath the fat, which is part of me, I am great, but with it, not so much.

My purpose is not for you to feel sorry for me, because I am blessed beyond belief. I want those who share these experiences to know that there are people that feel the same way, and those of you that don't, I want you to be empathetic to those who are different, because although most of the things that happen to me are minute and subtle, they slowly impact me and are subtle. I was speaking with my ex boyfriend the other day, and he was telling me about how insecure I was in our relationship two years ago. He was a college football player in Georgia, and I was just this random girl he had met. He consistently reminded of how inadequate I was to him. He walked two steps ahead of me, and even called me a liar, because I told him about how I wanted to lose weight and I didn't. I know, I was stupid and I learned a lot from this relationship and a lot about myself.  One summer I had lost 15 lbs, I wasn't as big as I am now, so that was a very good accomplishment. I asked my boyfriend at the time if he noticed, and he simply answered no. At this moment I gave up. The person that I wanted to notice my weight loss didn't. I was devastated.

People want to know how the hell you can let someone else mess with your self-esteem, and let me tell you, my ex was not the first person to make me feel the way I did at the moment. He was one of many, and although it is easy to ignore one gnat, have a swarm of those mutha f*&$ers come up on you and ask me how you feel then. You will be swatting and running around in circles like crazy. That is pretty much how my life operates when I am down and out, and these gnats are yacking in my ear about crazy bullshit. It is much easier to believe the negative than the positive. Think about it. If you are having a standard day, and someone tells you something great, then someone brings you down, your day is no longer great, it sucks. You instantly forget about the compliment or good deed that you received earlier in the day. It is the way that the human brain operates, and it is unfortunate.

When I am no longer a fatty,( I will always be one at heart) I wonder if I will still feel the same about this situation?


Just remember: We are all insecure, I am just the first to admit it!- Kanye West

Tiffany

Chubby Chasers

I think that every fatty has a an interesting experience while dating. Maybe some of you date other fatties, or you have a chubby chaser, my problem is I don't like either. I am not just a big girl, I am a tall girl. I am about 5'10" and when I wear heels I can be up to 6'2" so I don't really like short guys. I will date a guy my height if he is built like Reggie Bush, and believe it or not I have had more than a few that are! Basically I like running backs and linemen ( in the sense of body types. No jersey chasing over here). The problem is all these skinny short dudes love me, and I really don't understand. I look like their older sister or auntie. What can I do with someone that weighs less than  180 lbs besides crush him? I literally get scared to even think about intimacy although I have heard some great things that are not appropriate for this site. But anyways, as a cute fat chick its really hard to find a guy. I don't like ugly dudes because honestly I am not ugly! The big dark chocolate men that I love are always playing around with these little skinny hoes. Have you men ever felt on a thick chick? We are so soft you would love us!

Most of you probably think that I am picky, but I am really not. I give any man that is a gentleman and that approaches me with manners a chance. The problem is not that many do.  I am a good woman. I know, I know, a lot of people say that, but seriously I will list my qualities and faults and let's see who disagrees.

Pros
-Extremely intelligent and intellectual ( there is a difference)
-Loving beyond belief ( it gets me in trouble)
-Ride or Die ( this also gets me in trouble)
-I always have a job and I don't ask for shit
-College degree
-Beautiful
-Witty, sometimes even funny
-good credit
-decent reputation ( everyone is called a hoe at some point in time)
-God fearing ( I've read the Bible through 3 or 4 times)

Cons
-Bitchie
-loud
-curse like a sailor
-stubborn
-divaish tendencies
-nosey beyond belief ( especially if I don't trust your ass)
-a Fatty 

Looking at the list I still feel like my pros outweigh my cons, but I am not the judge. Unfortunately my last con, being a fatty, seems to weigh so heavy. It is something that some guys just can't get past. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told how beautiful my face is. That is not a compliment fellas. Why couldn't you just tell me that I was beautiful? I was actually told that the other day by a guy that was interested. Then he proceeded to tell me that he liked girls with more meat. What I don't understand is why that was needed. When I wake up in the morning I see in the mirror that I am bigger than average. Maybe he thought that I would otherwise be insecure? I didn't have to remind him that he was old and bald did I? What these men fail to realize is that I actually pull very attractive guys. Some girls fail to realize this too, so watch your man, I am known to steal them!

I wish I could list the names of the very attractive guys ( some with girlfriends) that have attempted to talk to me. Most of them won't approach me in front of others, they are too insecure to do that. But as soon as we are alone they can't help but be attracted to my impeccable charm! I kid! I kid! But seriously, it is sad that I have to be the undercover boo. I guess having 9 out of 10 great qualities isn't enough. I refuse to lose this battle, I will press on!

Don't lose faith is love fatties!

Tiffany  

Day 19

Yesterday was the recovery period and today I am back in action. Do not judge my lunch decision because it was a date and it was free! Who turns down a free meal? Here's what I ate:


Breakfast: Egg beaters egg white omelet with spinach and low fat cheese 65 calories!
                Two slices of whole wheat toast and small portion of smart balance butter 180 calories

Lunch: General Tzo's chicken and white rice ( do not judge) 600 cals est.

Dinner: Tilapia Fish tacos with Mango salsa on whole wheat tortillas 450 cals ( I had two huge tacos! I was starving)

Total: 1295

I also worked out for an hour today at my power strength class. It really did kick my ass! 

Til next times fatties!

Tiffany 

Fat or Fun?

I know the last week I have been MIA, and there is a great reason for this. It was the week of Little 500, a famous bike race and great excuse to get drunk. Since this is my last Lil 5, the biggest party week in college history, and I don't have classes, I said, "F my diet, I am getting drunk!". I honestly gained weight this week, but I don't care. I rather enjoy my life, my friends, and experiences that I can't recreate, then be miserable for 7 days so that I can drop some more weight. But this does bring me to a great question that a lot of you fellow fatties are wanting to know the answer to: Can you be on a weight loss plan and still enjoy your life?

This is honestly one of the hardest questions to answer. It really deters me from dieting because I am in such a social setting right now in my life, and most of my friends are really into eating healthy and working out. Binge drinking is a nightly, yes nightly, temptation. I am asked to go out to eat at places that don't have healthy options i.e. Mexican. But my personal goal is to not stop my life, but continue to live as a vivacious 20-something.

Unfortunately the life of a fat person really isn't that much fun. Everyday I wake up and weigh myself. I think about my weight when I eat, drink, and get dressed. I think about my weight more than I probably think about everything else. It is part of me, and it part of my daily life. So to eliminate the only fun that I have in my life is not gonna happen. I will say that I am done with drinking and honestly I don't know if I really want to be a regular drinker once I graduate. Maybe just on my birthday.

Tomorrow I am going to have to wake up early, weigh myself, think about how I gained a few pounds this week, and get back in action. Although it is hard work, I am a much happier person when I weigh less. I know that I will also feel fat on the inside, but I much rather be healthy!


Till we meet again,

Tiffany

Jazzersize

No matter how athletic or coordinated you are, if you are fat, you look like you can't do anything. When fat people dance, run, jump, etc. they just look fat. There is absolutely nothing appealing about it at all. I am athletic, coordinated and all of the above, but even I look stupid when I work out.

My best friend is a fitness instructor and I usually go to her power core and strength classes a couple times a week. They are 45-60 minutes long and very enjoyable. Afterward I always feel tired, like I accomplished something,  and the next day I really feel it by not being able to get out of bed.

Today Kayla invited me to go to some classes with her that she didn't teach. Big mistake. I chose the Cardio Core class, not thinking about the cardio. Big people hate cardio. Actually I think EVERYONE hates cardio. I don't mind running because it makes sense, you are going somewhere, but in a class you can't run, so instead you do dumb shit like jump. I HATE jumping. I also hate choreographed cardio that resembles, stepping or jazzersize. The teachers for these classes are not fat friendly. They are usually about as big as my pinky, and to make it worse, they are over the top bubby, asking me every 5 secs how I am doing. My answer: I just blacked out both of my eyes with my torpedo double D's doing starfish jump and jacks, how the F do you think I am doing? Another things that I hate about these classes is the moves that they expect you to complete. Everything resembles either an animal, or an exercise without a piece of equipment. "Okay now we are going to lay on the floor and do the fish, after that we are going to jump rope without the ropes!" Did I say that I hate jumping? We all looked ridiculous, but I, the only fat girl in the class, looked dumb even when my form was right, and these other skinny hoes were half assing it thinking about what they were going to where out tonight and if they should eat celery or carrots for dinner. What makes the class worse ( yes it gets worse) is the techno music playing over her extra squeaky voice that I have to strain to hear. Techno is the European invention that destroys black music. White people always find a way to mess our shit up, just so they can dance around, while holding glow sticks and make out with complete strangers while they pass X on their tongues. Anyways... everything about the class sucked... and I didn't even sweat that much in an hour!

My night gets even better, because we then attended a "hip-hop" class after that. Let me tell you, white people think that hip-hop is rolling your hips and doing watered down versions of the chicken head and Harlem shake to Chris brown songs. I used to dance, so I do have some type of rhythm, but this chick wanted us to look like fools. I bet she put a hidden camera in the corner and plays this shit to her friends on Thirsty Thursdays while they drink cheap beer, and point and laugh. "Hey look the black girl can't even do hip-hop!" Well honey, that was NOT hip-hop. I digress.

I hope that you all feel empowered to go to a new class at your gym!


Your fellow jazzersizing fatty,

Tiffany

Day 7

So its day 7 and I couldn't be more happy. I have lost at least 4 lbs, been eating healthy and working out consistently. I know its cliche, but when you take care of yourself and your body, you do feel a whole lot better! Here is what I ate today!

Breakfast
Egg beaters- 35 cals
Oatmeal w/ skim and brown sugar 200

Snack
crystal light pop sickle 15

Lunch
Tuna w/ light mayo 150
Saltines 150

snack
almonds 100

Dinner
Jimmy Johns Beach Club unwhich 200

Total- 850 ( I am going to eat again after the post!)

Day 5

Sorry I have been M.I.A.! I have been traveling and I am finally back at school. I have some exciting news! Not only did I meet my 3 pound goal, but I actually lost 4 lbs this week! I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but creating small weekly goals will eventually lead to nice large ones! I didn't even exercise like I wanted to this past week. So I have lost a total of 15lbs! I am not going to write down all of my journals from the past three days, but I do want to share some helpful hints about eating out, on the road, and fast food.

You CAN eat out and eat fast food, but you have to be smart, and you really need to understand portions. Over the years, the American plate has gotten bigger and bigger, and so has the food, in return this directly reflects how fat our asses really are! If you use a smaller plate, or have the kitchen box half of your food before you eat, you will save so many calories.

This week I went to McDonald's on my drive back to school ( almost 4 hours). I ate a hamburger (no cheese) a snack size fruit and yogurt parfait and had a small water. I spent $2 and only ate about 400 calories. If at all possible stay away from breads, cheese, and fatty condiments like mayonaise. Jimmy Johns is another spot that I hit up this week. I love their Beach Club. Turkey, avacado, sprouts, etc...and the best part is that you can get on a lettuce wrap, which I love! It may sound not-so-good, but the crunchy lettuce gives me a oral orgasm, and it elimates a lot of carbs and calories from the white bread. The point? "Beach Club Un-which"= >200 Can't beat that for a lunch!

Well I have to get some sleep so I can get up and work out!

Keep shedding the pounds! Your fellow fatty!

Tiffany

The Ultimate Drug

Ask a fat person if he or she has ever been on a diet and they will say yes. Ask them if they are ever lost weight and they will again say yes. The problem isn't the ability to lose weight, because we all have that ability, the problem is keeping it off. Being fat is an addiction, and probably the most difficult addiction to ever over come.

Temptations are everywhere, and yes food can kill you. We have all seen the morbidly obese people that can't walk or leave their homes, now argue with me about how it is NOT an addiction. The reason why food addiction is so prevalent and hard to stop is because you can't go to rehab for it. Of  course you can cut your calories and exercise, but unlike cocaine, alcohol, or meth, you can't cut food completely out of your life. We have to eat to survive. Everyday I am tempted by Food Network, cookbooks, candy racks at Wal-Mart etc. And guess what? People don't give a damn that I eat, or eat a lot. The world is one giant enabler just waiting to hand me a piece of cake. When I gain back any weight, or pick up my favorite peanut butter filled cup, I am in a relapse.

To believe that all fat people are lazy and don't want to change is a big lie. I have spent the entirety of my life playing sports, eating pretty healthy, and healthier than my peers, but I still am fat. There are some of us that have to work to be a "normal" and acceptable weight. That is me!

I could complain and go on and on about how my life is not fair, but I chose not too. I know that I am blessed that I am even able to be fat, when there are millions of people that are starving in the world. If I could donate my fat to malnourished children, believe me I would be the first to do it, but it doesn't quite work that way. I just keep trucking on this journey of mine, trying to better my self, my future, my body, and my life.

Still fighting the fight,

Tiffany

Day 2

Let's just keep it real ladies, mother nature sucks! I woke up feeling not-so-happy, and took my but right back to bed. But there is good news, I did pretty well on eating and maintaining my calories today. Here's the journal.

Breakfast-
Cheerios and skim 140

Snack-
24 almonds 160
Apple 80
Fresh Fruit Smoothie 8 oz 170

Dinner-
Grilled Chicken 4 oz 190
steamed broccoli 1/2 cup 27

Snack-
Fresh Fruit Smoothie 8oz 170
2 graham crackers  160?

Late night after my nap
Cheerios  w 2% 150
1/2 cup of pineapple  50

Total 1164

Today I spent most of the day helping my parents with errands and other crazy things that they like me to do around the house. By the way, I am at home visiting my folks since I am officially done with college. I spent 2 + hours cleaning my car inside and out! Does that count as exercise? Because I was definitely sweating out there. I didn't get a chance for any scheduled cardio today due to me not feeling well and the extra stuff that I had to complete. Hopefully if the weather is nice I can get a nice run in the morning.

Day 1

Okay here is my food journal for Day 1.

Breakfast 2 bowls of cherriors with skim milk=280

snack 10 almonds ( great filling and super healthy!)=66

Dinner Whole wheat penne (fiber) w/ tomato and shrimp sauce 2 cups= 300

snack 20 almonds=132

Total=778 ... I didn't wake up until 1 that's why I haven't had that many calories today. You should really keep your cals above 1000 or your body goes into survival mode and starts storing fat! Not good! I plan to eat something when I finish my workout. 

Exercise- Just finished about 20 minutes of abs and now I am about to get on the tredmill and do interval training while I watch Grey's :) 

Tiffany the Fatty

Hello world!

My name is Tiffany and I have spent most of my life as a fat kid. Not an ordinary fat kid, but a well-liked, athletic, beautiful fat woman. There are a lot of beautiful bodacious women in the world that will tell you that they are completely happy with their bodies and their lives. These are all lies, unless of course, they are plus size models that are getting paid to be fat. But in any other case, as a woman that has struggled with weight for as long as I can remember, it is impossible for me to believe that there are women that enjoy being ignored, not being able to where whatever the hell they want, feeling embarrassed on the beach, not being able to shop in ordinary stores, etc.

I do not want you to think that I am complaining about my life that I am fully capable of changing, because I am blessed beyond imagination with so many other things in life. I have a great family, a future career, I am smart and of course funny, but by no means is being fat fun. I will always use the term "fat" for many different reasons. Black people have a tendency of covering up the word fat with thick, or big in order to not realize the severity of being obese. I am glad that as a race we are more understanding with weight, but we are the most obese race in the nation, and we are more prone to every disease imaginable due to it, so I rather understand that I am overweight, obese, and just plain fat, than disguise it as something that is beautiful. I rather live to see 35 then pretend I am something that I am not.

I blame my father for my obesity. When I was a child I wasn't big at all. I was tall as hell compared to everyone else my age but I wasn't fat. Then my dad started working nights and I stayed with him in the day time. Big mistake mom! I ate McDonald's everyday for lunch, and I was given a Kit Kat everyday after we left the gym! There is where my love for chocolate started. I was always involved sports and I became a very great basketball player, but still I was fat. Not as fat as I am now but I still had no dates, I was always the best friend, and most importantly I was miserable. My senior year of high school I decided I had enough. I wanted to feel beautiful and pretty during spring break and prom like everyone else. My mother and I started a 1500 calorie a day meal plan that was administered to her from the hospital, and I was eating right and playing basketball. I quickly lost 35 lbs. Honestly, that was probably the happiest I have ever been with my physical appearance. I lost the weight in 3 months, kept it off for a while, then I started the killer of all diets, college. I gained back all 35 lbs in my first year of college. In the last two years I have gained another 30 lbs! So what I thought was fat is now skinny, and I am now officially fat!

I am about to graduate college, I am 22 years old, single, and I am moving to Atlanta, Ga for a new job that I start  this summer. Those who have been to the A know that the competition is thick (literally) and the straight men are scarce. I started this blog because I am ready to change my life. I understand that diet and exercise and extremely important to any weight loss plan, but I want to change my lifestyle. I want to not just run, but be a runner. I don't want to eat healthy, I want to be a healthy eater. The object is me!

Through this journey I will be recording my calories in a green little journal that I posted today. My goal is to eat healthy, lean, and high fiber meals that total under 1500 calories. I will also be recording my daily exercise. Over the next year I want to lose 70 lbs. I have currently lost 11. I would tell you my starting weight, but a real woman NEVER tells. I will weigh in at the end of each week and post how much I have lost. I want to lose 13 lbs in April alone so pray for me!

I hope this inspires others to get healthy as well!

Tiffany