To all those that consistently read and follow my blog, I want to sincerely apologize for my absence. I also want to thank you for your support over the last couple of years. I have received many comments and messages about posts and where I have been, and I am glad to say that I am back!
As I have mentioned before, my father died in February and that was very hard on me. I took some time off from writing and kept to myself, then started writing again. Shortly after that I was in a relationship which resulted in an end due to domestic violence. This was the final breaking point for me. It's so easy to get caught up in the unimportant things in life, and easy allow the things that matter the most, family, friends, God, to slip through your fingertips. This is exactly what happened to me.
This past summer I was pretty consistent in working out and trying my best to stick to my diet. I lost a few pounds, worked with a trainer a couple days a week, but after my 'incident' occurred it all came to a shocking halt. I quickly realized where my focus needed to be. It didn't matter how physically healthy I was, if I wasn't mentally healthy, it was all for loss. With that being said, I have spent the last few months really getting to know Tiffany. I decided to take a year and dedicate it to me. No men, no dating, nothing. I am 147 days in and I can honestly say that it is the best decision I have ever made for myself. I have been able to see what I really want out of my life without the distractions of relationships.
Now about right now. I have finally decided that it is the time to finish this work on this body that I have been out to do for the last 10 years. I have lost a total of 40 lbs since I started this journey, and I haven't gained back any of the weight since I have been on my sabbatical, but that is still not good enough.
Last week I was spending time with some male friends of mine. As many of you already know, I have several male platonic male friends (seems to be a problem). While out with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while, he asked if I had recently lost weight. I responded with yes. Then he proceeded, "you know, I was thinking, you would be really 'bad' if you lost weight." Now this is not the first time that I have heard this contradicting compliment, but this time it pierced me in a way that it hadn't before. I am looking up at this sweet, 6' + intelligent black man thinking, is this really what it takes to nab a guy like you? Now don't get it confused, this friend is not someone that I am interested in for several reasons, but he is the type of guy that I would like to see myself one day. This was the turning point for me. For the first time in my life, I realize how beautiful I am on the inside, and I want my outside to reflect the inside. I know that men see the positive qualities that I bring to the table, i.e. intelligent, cook, football lover, good with children. (And for the record, I'm not here to toot my horn, but to clarify my previous insecurities.)
So here I am 24 years old, on November 29, 2001 proclaiming my dedication to my health and my body. I don't want to be a size 4 or 6. I just want to be a healthy Tiffany, and I am willing to do whatever that takes. I now know that the key to being successful in my weight loss is discipline. I have the knowledge, the tools, and the resources to lose the weight. I have a gym membership, a trainer, I know everything about food, diet, and calories, but the only way I am going to be successful is if I am willing to just do it.
Since a 25th birthday is the last positive birthday landmark to have in an adult life, I have made that my goal date. My goal is to lose another 45 lbs. I know what some of you are thinking, but trust me, that's what I need to lose. It is a lofty goal, and I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me because it does. It's daunting, and I am fearful of even sharing this goal with you all because of the disappoint of not meeting it. But, I have 30 weeks to do it, which is 1.5 lbs a week. Very doable.
Now that I am back, I am back for good. I will continue to update my status weekly. I feel as if this blog is accountability for me. Feel free to continue to comment and message me about my blog and my weight loss journey. I hope that I can inspire those of you are battling the same disease that I am. I know that there are a lot of people out there that do not understand why fat people are fat. But food can be an addiction and it is for millions of people in this country. I am not perfect by any means. I have been struggling with my weight since childhood, I have been called every name in the book, but regardless, I will not allow anyone to stop me. Sometime we fall short, we relapse, we gain the weight back, we eat the chocolate cake on our diets, just know that it doesn't mean that its over. Get back on the treadmill, ride your bike, jump rope, or do whatever you need to do to burn off those 500 calories! Yes a piece of chocolate cake is 500 calories!
Keep it up fellow fatties!
Tiffany
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Weight Loss and Other Things
I first want to apologize for the lack of attention I have given my blog. I know that there are many people out there that tune it whenever I write, give great feedback, and support me. Please forgive me.
I have recently lost 35 lbs. I wish I could be excited, but honestly, I have lost much more. My father. I have spent the last 7 years dealing with my father's illness, remission, and the sudden return of his cancer. Two months ago he passed away. I would be lying if I wasn't devastated, but I am still am. This is the main reason that I have been M.I.A. I find it hard to write directly after mourning. My thoughts are everywhere and it takes time for me to sort them out and get myself together. But I am back, and since I have not been writing at all, I have a lot to say. Nothing out of the usual.
Now back to this weight loss. The recent loss of my father gave me a wake up call on the reality of my situation. Life is very short. No moment is promised. I know that these are all sayings that we hear constantly and they have become a little more than cliche, but as I watched my father take his last breath, and I felt the life leave him as I was holding his hand, I had more than an epiphany.
My father had been big his whole life. I never saw him thin until his last days. I have never been thin either. Some would blame it on bad genes, but I blame it on bad habits. There were many times that my father was told to lose weight, and he attempted to. He never kept it off. I don't think that his weight was to blame for his death, but his weight did affect the quality of life that he did have before he died.
This makes me think about my own quality of life. No doubt I enjoy the life that I am living, but I begin to think about all the things that I don't enjoy in life because of my weight: clothing shopping, pool parties, vacations on the beach, dating, going out, etc. I have stated before that my weight has affected every aspect of my life and that is very true. I know that it sounds silly, but if you have never experienced issues with weight, you may not understand.
The issue of my weight has become even more vital. I want to live a healthy life. I have changed my life style. I slip up just like everyone else, but I have to understand that my issues with food are like those of an addict and I have to treat my disease. I am fighting a battle everyday, and unlike a lot of other people, my battle will never stop. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, and I will also have an eating disorder, I am just trying to stay sober out here.
Mentally I have changed my game. I am currently on spring break, and I am doing two-a-day workouts all week. Interval training, training for an upcoming 5k, and kickboxing. I have really started to enjoy working out again. It is difficult because I have been doing everything alone, and I don't have the support like I did when I was back in high school, but I am pressing on through that as well.
I finally decided to show you all some before and in progress pictures. I don't want to say after, because my journey is far from over. I still have 50 more pounds to lose!
I stumbled upon these pictures on my mom's camera from the end of July. I was at my grandmother's house. I never realized how big I really was until now.
I have recently lost 35 lbs. I wish I could be excited, but honestly, I have lost much more. My father. I have spent the last 7 years dealing with my father's illness, remission, and the sudden return of his cancer. Two months ago he passed away. I would be lying if I wasn't devastated, but I am still am. This is the main reason that I have been M.I.A. I find it hard to write directly after mourning. My thoughts are everywhere and it takes time for me to sort them out and get myself together. But I am back, and since I have not been writing at all, I have a lot to say. Nothing out of the usual.
Now back to this weight loss. The recent loss of my father gave me a wake up call on the reality of my situation. Life is very short. No moment is promised. I know that these are all sayings that we hear constantly and they have become a little more than cliche, but as I watched my father take his last breath, and I felt the life leave him as I was holding his hand, I had more than an epiphany.
My father had been big his whole life. I never saw him thin until his last days. I have never been thin either. Some would blame it on bad genes, but I blame it on bad habits. There were many times that my father was told to lose weight, and he attempted to. He never kept it off. I don't think that his weight was to blame for his death, but his weight did affect the quality of life that he did have before he died.
This makes me think about my own quality of life. No doubt I enjoy the life that I am living, but I begin to think about all the things that I don't enjoy in life because of my weight: clothing shopping, pool parties, vacations on the beach, dating, going out, etc. I have stated before that my weight has affected every aspect of my life and that is very true. I know that it sounds silly, but if you have never experienced issues with weight, you may not understand.
The issue of my weight has become even more vital. I want to live a healthy life. I have changed my life style. I slip up just like everyone else, but I have to understand that my issues with food are like those of an addict and I have to treat my disease. I am fighting a battle everyday, and unlike a lot of other people, my battle will never stop. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, and I will also have an eating disorder, I am just trying to stay sober out here.
Mentally I have changed my game. I am currently on spring break, and I am doing two-a-day workouts all week. Interval training, training for an upcoming 5k, and kickboxing. I have really started to enjoy working out again. It is difficult because I have been doing everything alone, and I don't have the support like I did when I was back in high school, but I am pressing on through that as well.
I finally decided to show you all some before and in progress pictures. I don't want to say after, because my journey is far from over. I still have 50 more pounds to lose!
I stumbled upon these pictures on my mom's camera from the end of July. I was at my grandmother's house. I never realized how big I really was until now.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Break-Up: Its not you its me.
My relationship has ended. I had to give him the speech.
"It's not you, its me. I am sure that are millions of others girls that would love to have you in their life, but I can't deal with you anymore. Our relationship has become unhealthy, I have been dependent upon you. I know, I know, you have been there for me whenever I needed you, you have given me TOO much. When I am down, you always find a way to pick me up, but I need to move on from this destructive courtship."
After years of holding on to something that has been so dear to me, I finally let go. That's right, I dumped him.
I broke up with food.
As I have mentioned before, my relationship with food, has been less than healthy. Food is an addiction, and a hard one to break. I have been eating healthier for the last 6 months, but I decided that in 2011 I would take a drastic change. I mean I want drastic results, so I had to take a leap. I am a vegetarian, so I no longer have the calories of meat. I am lactose intolerant, the only dairy I eat is mild cheeses ( feat, goat, parmesean).
I have defined a strick diet for myself and with the help of sparkpeople.com and my background knowledge of food, I track my calorie intake and calories burned.
I know that eating is not the only thing that needs to change, but it sure has made a difference. I can no longer go to McDonald's to grab a burger. The goal is not to diet. I am making a lifestyle change, and those people who are sucessful with weight-loss and more importantly keeping it off, have changed the ways that they live. This doesn' t mean that I won't ever eat Hot Fries again, I just know that when I do want to "cheat" or slurge on my calories that I need to work harder in the gym. It is a simple exchange.
Part of this lifestyle change is trading in my addictions. Transfering the energy I spent worrying about putting food in my mouth into work in the gym. I will talk more about this later.
I challege you to make a change in your life. It may not be weight-loss but some other bad habit or addiction that you need to rid your life of. You can do it. Make yourself better, get healthy, and get happy!
Talk to you later,
Tiffany
P.S. I have lost 8 lbs in the last 10 days!
"It's not you, its me. I am sure that are millions of others girls that would love to have you in their life, but I can't deal with you anymore. Our relationship has become unhealthy, I have been dependent upon you. I know, I know, you have been there for me whenever I needed you, you have given me TOO much. When I am down, you always find a way to pick me up, but I need to move on from this destructive courtship."
After years of holding on to something that has been so dear to me, I finally let go. That's right, I dumped him.
I broke up with food.
As I have mentioned before, my relationship with food, has been less than healthy. Food is an addiction, and a hard one to break. I have been eating healthier for the last 6 months, but I decided that in 2011 I would take a drastic change. I mean I want drastic results, so I had to take a leap. I am a vegetarian, so I no longer have the calories of meat. I am lactose intolerant, the only dairy I eat is mild cheeses ( feat, goat, parmesean).
I have defined a strick diet for myself and with the help of sparkpeople.com and my background knowledge of food, I track my calorie intake and calories burned.
I know that eating is not the only thing that needs to change, but it sure has made a difference. I can no longer go to McDonald's to grab a burger. The goal is not to diet. I am making a lifestyle change, and those people who are sucessful with weight-loss and more importantly keeping it off, have changed the ways that they live. This doesn' t mean that I won't ever eat Hot Fries again, I just know that when I do want to "cheat" or slurge on my calories that I need to work harder in the gym. It is a simple exchange.
Part of this lifestyle change is trading in my addictions. Transfering the energy I spent worrying about putting food in my mouth into work in the gym. I will talk more about this later.
I challege you to make a change in your life. It may not be weight-loss but some other bad habit or addiction that you need to rid your life of. You can do it. Make yourself better, get healthy, and get happy!
Talk to you later,
Tiffany
P.S. I have lost 8 lbs in the last 10 days!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Green with Envy
Recently I had an argument with a significant other that was not out of the ordinary. Lately, when I am having difficulties in my relationships I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. We tend to find it very easy to blame things on the other party, especially, like in my case, when the other person involved may have had some transgressions in the past. This makes us feel like we have one up on them. It gives a false premises about ourselves, that we are perfect or in a higher position, although we all know that we are not. I am all about forgiveness, and once I forgive I automatically let go of the past. Easier said then done.
After this argument, during my time of reflection and meditation, I realized that what was important to me wasn't really about what I wanted. It was more about what someone else had once had. I have been comparing everything that he had done with this other girl and I wanted to make sure that he did all those things with me plus some. Some of you may be confused so I will give you an example.
When my guy dated this girl I knew that they had went on more than one vacation together, something that we were supposed to but because of school it never worked out. I had always been envious of her for several reasons. Mainly because he became more serious with her after dating me, and did everything with her that I wanted for myself. Although I would never admit to myself how much it hurt me, it did. Now that we are seeing each other again, he brought up the vacation idea. Of course I was all for it and ecstatic. When there was a chance that we may not go, of course I started freaking out. It was less about actually going on the vacation, and more like feeling like he loved me just as much as he loved her.
Envy is such a terrible sin. It takes over your real feelings and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go on a vacation with him because I wanted to get away and get to spend some really quality time with the person that I loved, but my determination in the matter was fueled by my envy. The crazy thing about the entire situation is that I really don't even know what I am envious of. Of course I saw little bits and pieces of their relationship, but it obviously didn't work out. The more I talked with my man about the situation, the more I learned about why he dated her after me, and how not so happy it was sometimes.
Now you may be asking what this has to do with me being fat. Trust me there is always a connection. This same envy I have seen myself having with other girls. I am surrounded by beautiful girls all the time. All of my friends are gorgeous. I have one friend in particular that is gorgeous. Every time we go out she is approached by several good looking guys and she flirts and bats her eyelashes with confidence. But as soon as we leave the venue I have to continuously hear her complaining about her body, hair, or anything that just doesn't seem good enough to her. I would die for what she has, and I am not just talking about looks. She has the ability to get every males attention in the room. Now I know that on a good day I am gorgeous as well, but I do not have that ability.
Every week I hear about the same insecurities that she has and it is so disheartening. It is so saddening to hear this beautiful woman talk down about herself. I still have not figured out if she is really insecure or straining for attention, both are as equally tragic.
It is amazing to see how each of us contain our own set of insecurities: our bodies, intelligence, or relationships.
It makes me wonder, is the grass really greener on the other side?
Of course,
Green with Envy.
With all of my blessings,
Tiffany
After this argument, during my time of reflection and meditation, I realized that what was important to me wasn't really about what I wanted. It was more about what someone else had once had. I have been comparing everything that he had done with this other girl and I wanted to make sure that he did all those things with me plus some. Some of you may be confused so I will give you an example.
When my guy dated this girl I knew that they had went on more than one vacation together, something that we were supposed to but because of school it never worked out. I had always been envious of her for several reasons. Mainly because he became more serious with her after dating me, and did everything with her that I wanted for myself. Although I would never admit to myself how much it hurt me, it did. Now that we are seeing each other again, he brought up the vacation idea. Of course I was all for it and ecstatic. When there was a chance that we may not go, of course I started freaking out. It was less about actually going on the vacation, and more like feeling like he loved me just as much as he loved her.
Envy is such a terrible sin. It takes over your real feelings and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go on a vacation with him because I wanted to get away and get to spend some really quality time with the person that I loved, but my determination in the matter was fueled by my envy. The crazy thing about the entire situation is that I really don't even know what I am envious of. Of course I saw little bits and pieces of their relationship, but it obviously didn't work out. The more I talked with my man about the situation, the more I learned about why he dated her after me, and how not so happy it was sometimes.
Now you may be asking what this has to do with me being fat. Trust me there is always a connection. This same envy I have seen myself having with other girls. I am surrounded by beautiful girls all the time. All of my friends are gorgeous. I have one friend in particular that is gorgeous. Every time we go out she is approached by several good looking guys and she flirts and bats her eyelashes with confidence. But as soon as we leave the venue I have to continuously hear her complaining about her body, hair, or anything that just doesn't seem good enough to her. I would die for what she has, and I am not just talking about looks. She has the ability to get every males attention in the room. Now I know that on a good day I am gorgeous as well, but I do not have that ability.
Every week I hear about the same insecurities that she has and it is so disheartening. It is so saddening to hear this beautiful woman talk down about herself. I still have not figured out if she is really insecure or straining for attention, both are as equally tragic.
It is amazing to see how each of us contain our own set of insecurities: our bodies, intelligence, or relationships.
It makes me wonder, is the grass really greener on the other side?
Of course,
Green with Envy.
With all of my blessings,
Tiffany
Monday, December 13, 2010
Dr. Idontknowish
I hate doctors.
I went to the ER tonight because of some numbness that I was experiencing in the left side of my body. I thought that maybe I had had a mini stroke since loss of sensation on one side of the body is a major symptom. After 5 hours in the waiting room, blood work, and a CAT scan of my brain, I was told that she didn't know what was wrong with me. What's new. Now I have to go to a neurologist ( again ) to see why I can't feel my foot or leg.
As I have mentioned before, doctors have a tendency to annoy me. I love them when they are able to diagnose and heal, but I hate it when they bring up things that have nothing to do with the problem that I am having.
For example, tonight I was complaining about the numbness in my leg, which was obviously a blood circulation problem, or a nervous system problem. The nurse that did my vitals asked me when my last period was, my cycle isn't always regular and I am late. She looked at me like I was pregnant, and I assured her that I was not. After my CAT scan I met with the doctor, and again I was asked the same question. I told her the date, and she looked at me like I was pregnant. I assured her that I was not, and she told me that it was a possibility. After checking the blood test, she realized that I wasn't, like I had said. Even if I was, what the hell does that have to do with my left side of my body being numb? Last time I checked, that wasn't a symptom of pregnancy.
After checking my vitals again, I was told that my blood pressure was high. I am glad that she was concerned about my over all health, but instead of asking me about my eating and exercise habits, she told me that I need to start exercising. Umm... excuse me ma'am please do not make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my outward appearance. I wanted to give her two upper cuts, a left hook, and a right round, but instead I politely told her how I was working on my weight and currently have lost 25 lbs. She quickly shut her trap. Maybe I am just sensitive about my weight, especially because her remarks seemed to cancel out the hard work that I have put in. Regardless I find it rude not to ask about how I do things in life. The assumption that all larger people are lazy and frumpy is annoying. I work out more than any of my friends, I am a vegetarian, and I eat healthier than anyone I know. Yes, occasionally I over indulge, but over all I am a healthy person. I hope that my new life style will pay off in the future.
I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought, and I will take this experience as more motivation.
I still hate doctors.
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
I went to the ER tonight because of some numbness that I was experiencing in the left side of my body. I thought that maybe I had had a mini stroke since loss of sensation on one side of the body is a major symptom. After 5 hours in the waiting room, blood work, and a CAT scan of my brain, I was told that she didn't know what was wrong with me. What's new. Now I have to go to a neurologist ( again ) to see why I can't feel my foot or leg.
As I have mentioned before, doctors have a tendency to annoy me. I love them when they are able to diagnose and heal, but I hate it when they bring up things that have nothing to do with the problem that I am having.
For example, tonight I was complaining about the numbness in my leg, which was obviously a blood circulation problem, or a nervous system problem. The nurse that did my vitals asked me when my last period was, my cycle isn't always regular and I am late. She looked at me like I was pregnant, and I assured her that I was not. After my CAT scan I met with the doctor, and again I was asked the same question. I told her the date, and she looked at me like I was pregnant. I assured her that I was not, and she told me that it was a possibility. After checking the blood test, she realized that I wasn't, like I had said. Even if I was, what the hell does that have to do with my left side of my body being numb? Last time I checked, that wasn't a symptom of pregnancy.
After checking my vitals again, I was told that my blood pressure was high. I am glad that she was concerned about my over all health, but instead of asking me about my eating and exercise habits, she told me that I need to start exercising. Umm... excuse me ma'am please do not make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my outward appearance. I wanted to give her two upper cuts, a left hook, and a right round, but instead I politely told her how I was working on my weight and currently have lost 25 lbs. She quickly shut her trap. Maybe I am just sensitive about my weight, especially because her remarks seemed to cancel out the hard work that I have put in. Regardless I find it rude not to ask about how I do things in life. The assumption that all larger people are lazy and frumpy is annoying. I work out more than any of my friends, I am a vegetarian, and I eat healthier than anyone I know. Yes, occasionally I over indulge, but over all I am a healthy person. I hope that my new life style will pay off in the future.
I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought, and I will take this experience as more motivation.
I still hate doctors.
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Way You Make Me Feel
As I am taking off my make up, I look into the mirror and stare at my self. I realize how beautiful I really am. This is the first time I have felt this way, without the influence of someone else telling me how pretty I look. I look at the half of my face with the make up, and the other half without. Both look pretty good. This new found confidence that I have in myself, is tainted by the thought of the rest of me.
In the last couple of months I have lost 25 lbs, I have changed my eating habits, and I have been working out more frequently. I feel good about myself, and what I have accomplished thus far, but I know I still have a long way to go until I am in the healthy zone. As continue on this journey I find my self emotionally all over the place. Some days I feel sexy, others, not so much. It amazes me how much others influence our own thoughts about ourselves. I do not care what anyone says, you are influenced by the feelings of others around you.
I remember watching Katt Williams' stand up, "The Pimp Chronicles" where he asks, " How can I f*&# up the way YOU feel about YOU? It's called self-esteem!" Men everywhere were quoting this on social networks, to their friends, and more importantly their girlfriends. Thinking about it at the time I was on the bandwagon screeming, "Yeah Katt, you right!" Especially after a guy I was dating at the time, continuously told me how I shouldn't let others thoughts about me affect me. Easier said than done.
But now as I look back on my own experiences, I realize that this isn't such a true statement at all. It is easy to say that you shouldn't care about what others think, but is it even healthy to follow that rule? Since I am a teacher, I constantly see children get their feelings hurt by the words of others. Words do hurt. They are seeking the approval of their peers, their parents, and adults that surround them. Really we are no different then these 8 year olds. We are constantly seeking the approval of our peers, our bosses, and most importantly, the opposite sex.
We spend most of our lives finding ways to find the perfect mate. Men go to the gym, try have great careers, spend money on dinners, shoes, and fancy clothes, all for the approval of women. I could list all of the things that women do, but we all know how that will end. My point is, we were created to mate with the opposite sex, fall in love, make babies, and create a life with someone else. So hell yeah the opinion of your potential husband or wife matters.
I am currently dating a very opinionated person. He is never quick to bite his tongue, and tells me pretty much everything that he thinks is wrong about me. Now when we dated a few years ago, I was too immature to handle the things that he was saying to me. I thought that he was just trying to find ways to piss me off, put me down, and make himself feel better, but now I realize that it is much different than that. A few months ago he confessed to me that the reason that he critiques me is because he loves me so much that he wants me to be the best me. He told me that he knew how amazing I was and all the potential that I had, and he wanted everyone else to see in me what he sees in me.
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to marry this man. It is difficult to take critism from others, because most of us are our own worst critics, so to even think about someone else feeling negatively about anything that we do, or even what we look like is somewhat terrifying.
When people comment on my personality, honestly I do not care. I love the way that I am, plus it is easy to tone down my brashness or say what people want to hear. But when someone comments on your appearance, the way you look, it hurts. It hurts because most of us cannot change those things, and those of us that can, become addicted to working out, plastic surgery, etc. When do we draw the line? When do you stop caring just enough to maintain your own self esteem? I can truthfully say that I think I am a 10; a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, personalable, funny with a tender heart, but when I walk into a bar and men seem to miss all of those qualities, and focus on the fact that I have no waist, it makes it difficult to stay positive about everything else that I do have. I know that I am not the only person that deals with battle. I wish I had some magical way to forget it all, but its not that simple.
All people want to feel loved. We want to feel beautiful, not only to ourselves, but also to someone else. Some people make us feel that way through their actions. Maybe they have a strong physical attraction that exudes from them, or they continuously show affection. Others display it through their words. They tell you they love you, write you letters, poems, and express how they feel.
But what if you aren't receiving either? How is your self-esteem? Just something to ponder.
In the last couple of months I have lost 25 lbs, I have changed my eating habits, and I have been working out more frequently. I feel good about myself, and what I have accomplished thus far, but I know I still have a long way to go until I am in the healthy zone. As continue on this journey I find my self emotionally all over the place. Some days I feel sexy, others, not so much. It amazes me how much others influence our own thoughts about ourselves. I do not care what anyone says, you are influenced by the feelings of others around you.
I remember watching Katt Williams' stand up, "The Pimp Chronicles" where he asks, " How can I f*&# up the way YOU feel about YOU? It's called self-esteem!" Men everywhere were quoting this on social networks, to their friends, and more importantly their girlfriends. Thinking about it at the time I was on the bandwagon screeming, "Yeah Katt, you right!" Especially after a guy I was dating at the time, continuously told me how I shouldn't let others thoughts about me affect me. Easier said than done.
But now as I look back on my own experiences, I realize that this isn't such a true statement at all. It is easy to say that you shouldn't care about what others think, but is it even healthy to follow that rule? Since I am a teacher, I constantly see children get their feelings hurt by the words of others. Words do hurt. They are seeking the approval of their peers, their parents, and adults that surround them. Really we are no different then these 8 year olds. We are constantly seeking the approval of our peers, our bosses, and most importantly, the opposite sex.
We spend most of our lives finding ways to find the perfect mate. Men go to the gym, try have great careers, spend money on dinners, shoes, and fancy clothes, all for the approval of women. I could list all of the things that women do, but we all know how that will end. My point is, we were created to mate with the opposite sex, fall in love, make babies, and create a life with someone else. So hell yeah the opinion of your potential husband or wife matters.
I am currently dating a very opinionated person. He is never quick to bite his tongue, and tells me pretty much everything that he thinks is wrong about me. Now when we dated a few years ago, I was too immature to handle the things that he was saying to me. I thought that he was just trying to find ways to piss me off, put me down, and make himself feel better, but now I realize that it is much different than that. A few months ago he confessed to me that the reason that he critiques me is because he loves me so much that he wants me to be the best me. He told me that he knew how amazing I was and all the potential that I had, and he wanted everyone else to see in me what he sees in me.
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to marry this man. It is difficult to take critism from others, because most of us are our own worst critics, so to even think about someone else feeling negatively about anything that we do, or even what we look like is somewhat terrifying.
When people comment on my personality, honestly I do not care. I love the way that I am, plus it is easy to tone down my brashness or say what people want to hear. But when someone comments on your appearance, the way you look, it hurts. It hurts because most of us cannot change those things, and those of us that can, become addicted to working out, plastic surgery, etc. When do we draw the line? When do you stop caring just enough to maintain your own self esteem? I can truthfully say that I think I am a 10; a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, personalable, funny with a tender heart, but when I walk into a bar and men seem to miss all of those qualities, and focus on the fact that I have no waist, it makes it difficult to stay positive about everything else that I do have. I know that I am not the only person that deals with battle. I wish I had some magical way to forget it all, but its not that simple.
All people want to feel loved. We want to feel beautiful, not only to ourselves, but also to someone else. Some people make us feel that way through their actions. Maybe they have a strong physical attraction that exudes from them, or they continuously show affection. Others display it through their words. They tell you they love you, write you letters, poems, and express how they feel.
But what if you aren't receiving either? How is your self-esteem? Just something to ponder.
Monday, October 18, 2010
My Frienemy
I am off from one of the best weekends of my life. This past weekend was spent with my ex-boyfriend, future... something, and I have had several revelations. The first is within our relationship. When I look at some of my issues with weight, I have realized that my weight has played a major role in the relationships that I have with my friends, family, and lovers. As you have read, I have mentioned all of these people through my journey because they are so much a part of me, and everything that I do is connected to the other. When I think about the relationship that I have with my ex, I know that my weight, and how I felt about my self had a negative barring on us as a couple. When we first started dating, I also thought of him as a 10 and myself as a 7. Because of this I was always making reasons in my own mind about why he didn't like me instead of thinking about all the reasons that he did like me. I ended completing self-sabotage. I mean who would want to be with a person that questions your motives and doesn't have enough confidence in themselves in order to believe that what you have is legit. Now this was not an overnight epiphany, but rather a 3 year long journey that has been extremely rough and tiresome, but in the end I have realized my own self worth.
When I think about my relationship with food, I realize that food is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. My frienemy. When I am happy, I celebrate with food. When I am sad, I eat to make it all better. Either way I am eating, a lot. I have allowed food to control me and my relationships. Just like breaking up with a boyfriend, it is difficult to break up with food. Imagine dumping someone that you love, but then, having to see them everyday, 3 times a day for the rest of your life. That would nearly be impossible. Instead of breaking up with food, I have realized that I need to change my relationship with food. I have to retrain my body to think about food differently. I am still in this process, but I am trying to take it day by day.
Being a fat girl is difficult, but I think that I have been blaming too many of my problems on my fat. It is easier to say that a guy doesn't like you or want to be with you because you are fat, rather than he just didn't like me. I can change the fat, but me? That is something that is much more difficult. When my ex came to see me and was all about me, I realized that he has always loved me, just like I loved him. Not just the way he looked or the way he dressed, simply him. I would be lying if I said I haven't pulled some fine men because I have. I now know that me, Tiffany, can't be that bad, because there are men that like me, and the more that I am myself, the more they like. It is when I am an insecure fat girl that looks unhappy,that I don't get what I want. But who would want that ?
As I continue on this journey, regardless of the outcome, I hope that I can continue to grow and understand myself, my relationship with food, and my body. There is no way that I can want to change me if I really don't know me.
Until next time,
Tiffany still your fellow fatty.
When I think about my relationship with food, I realize that food is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. My frienemy. When I am happy, I celebrate with food. When I am sad, I eat to make it all better. Either way I am eating, a lot. I have allowed food to control me and my relationships. Just like breaking up with a boyfriend, it is difficult to break up with food. Imagine dumping someone that you love, but then, having to see them everyday, 3 times a day for the rest of your life. That would nearly be impossible. Instead of breaking up with food, I have realized that I need to change my relationship with food. I have to retrain my body to think about food differently. I am still in this process, but I am trying to take it day by day.
Being a fat girl is difficult, but I think that I have been blaming too many of my problems on my fat. It is easier to say that a guy doesn't like you or want to be with you because you are fat, rather than he just didn't like me. I can change the fat, but me? That is something that is much more difficult. When my ex came to see me and was all about me, I realized that he has always loved me, just like I loved him. Not just the way he looked or the way he dressed, simply him. I would be lying if I said I haven't pulled some fine men because I have. I now know that me, Tiffany, can't be that bad, because there are men that like me, and the more that I am myself, the more they like. It is when I am an insecure fat girl that looks unhappy,that I don't get what I want. But who would want that ?
As I continue on this journey, regardless of the outcome, I hope that I can continue to grow and understand myself, my relationship with food, and my body. There is no way that I can want to change me if I really don't know me.
Until next time,
Tiffany still your fellow fatty.
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