Fat and the Family

For the past two months I have been in Atlanta training for my new job. I found that the first week I was getting fed small salads, grilled chicken and rice everyday WITHOUT seconds! I was walking up and down hills on campus in the Georgia sun, and I had to have lost 5 lbs. But quickly that ended, as my schedule was packed and I was working 12 hour days and eating dining hall food. Not to mention that dining hall food at Georgia Tech includes honey biscuits, cheesy grits, sausage and gravy, fried okra, collard greens, fried green tomatoes... I could go on. I love southern food, which is going to be something that I will have to overcome as I make my new life in this great city.

Today I decided that I needed to get my life back together. I suggested that my brother play basketball with me today for my exercise. Surprisingly he said yes. We played three games, I was up in the first two by 3 or 4 pts and he hit the threes on me (which I didn't know existed in our driveway) and won. It was only 95 degrees outside, and the last time I played basketball one-on-one was 5 years ago. Getting beat by my 17 year old varsity ball playing brother wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt my pride, but surely hurt my body. My goal is to get in shape, come back home and kick his ass... I hate losing.

Its funny how people always look surprised when I tell them that I used to play basketball. Then when I tell them that I was good, they give me that yea-sure-you-were-in-your-mind kind of look. When this happens I have to go into explaining how I averaged double digits in points and rebounds, and how I hold the bench press and squat weight lifting records, and how I was recruited by several schools to play in college, and I eventually feel like I am begging people to believe that I was actually a good athlete. This desperation is ridiculous, but my pride is like that of 20-something year old man, and I hate when people doubt me.

I have learned that my guise has been the main cause for doubt in my short lived life.This has caused much frustration for me. I understand that everyone is so concerned with my health, but please allow me to deal with my own personal issues. It is bad enough that my mom mentions my weight every five minutes, and tries to nonchalantly talk about food and exercise, but I don't need anyone else to do it too.

Some of my family is going to get together to celebrate my grandmother's 90th Birthday. I was relieved when I had to attend a wedding out-of-state that weekend for one of my closest friends, not because I don't enjoy spending time with family, but for some reason they tend to forget about my college degree, new job, and big move, and only focus on the fact that I gained weight. Remember when I said when you are fat no exercise looks good, I guess this can also be applied to any accomplishment.

One of my aunts, whom I think is my God-mother, sad I know, badgers me beyond belief.  After my major weight-loss in high school I went to Cancun, Mexico for spring break. My aunt picked me up from the airport and was ecstatic by my look svelte body and golden tan. Almost a year later, my favorite uncle died and we were all gathered for the funeral. One of my aunts had made a comment about how beautiful I was when suddenly the other interupted with a "No No No! She was so beautiful when I picked her up from the airport not that long ago." At that moment I realized that my own family ignored the beauty that I thought that I possessed on the inside and outside. It doesn't matter that I was on the dean's list in college every semester, that I graduated with honors, that only 20% of applicants make it into Teach for America and I happened to make it in, or that I secretly have an elaborate plan in effect to take over the world. What people see on the outside trumps the what is resonating on the inside and it saddens me. As much as I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons, including health and self-esteem, sometimes I just want to jump off of the deep end and tell everyone to eat a donut because I am staying fat and fabulous! And I might throw a few F-bombs in there.

The truth of the matter is, I won't do that. What other people think isn't supposed to matter right? But it does, it matters a lot, and most of the time we sit there and sulk about what others think about us, and we allow ourselves to determine our own self worth based on the opinions of people that are important in our life. The more important they are, family, significant others, and parents, the more it hurts, and the more difficult it is to say, "f@#$ what you have to say about me, because I am me, and I am amazing!". But this is what we need to do, because honestly no one knows what is best for you besides you and God. No matter how great your mother or father is, when you are an adult, there opinion of you matters less. This is something that I am currently working on. I have people in my life that I hold so high, so what they say to me is important, but everyone doesn't have the best intentions, and as much as I hate to think about it, its the truth.

As I continue on this journey to my ultimate goal, I have to continuously remind myself of the great things that I do and have done. It is easy for me to focus on my fat and forget about everything else that is going on in my life, but the reality is that there is so much more to me than my size, and when I am able to truly and honestly believe that, it will be easier to shed the pounds.

Until then....

Keep it truckin!

Tiffany

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

I touched on my matchmaking skills earlier, but I did not go in depth in the extent of what I have actually done. Matchmakers are funny people. Most of us usually fail at our own relationships, and are terribly bad at finding worthy partners, but for some reason, it is so easy for me to connections between other people. In  high school I used to set up all of my friends. I was pretty good because I wasn't setting up my girl friends with random men that I met at a bar, but with my guy friends. Men, or shall I say boys, that I knew inside and out. Many of them had expressed some type of interest, and I was able to see which one of my friends they would like. Given, I did have a 99% rate, and some of the relationships, although it was only high school, lasted years. I wish I was getting paid back then to do it. When I went to college I vowed to myself that I would give it up, and spend time looking for my own significant other, but once again, like any bad habit I continued to do my good deeds.

Many of you may be wondering how this has anything to do with being fat, and trust me it does. Because I was unable to hold a successful relationship, mostly due to the fact that boys weren't interested in me, I chose to live my life through the relationships of my friends. I don't want to sound like some sick stalker, because it was not some creepy pleasure, but more of a subconscious addiction. If I can't be happy, someone else will be. This thought goes beyond the simplicity of matchmaking and occurs in the way that I treat people. You will find that many people that suffer with obesity, find pleasure in care giving. It is the reassurance that people like you, accept you, and even love, although they may not. I have found my self in several relationships where I was literally taking care of, paying for, and doing everything in my power to make my partner happy. I used to say "making you happy makes me happy". Many people may use this phrase, but I lived by it. Matchmaking for me is the same concept. I know that I can't be with the tall, dark, gorgeous man across the room, so I will introduce him to my beautiful friend, instead of introducing myself and risking getting rejection. 

Most people are scared of rejection, if not all, but it consumes those who already have low self-esteem and image issues. My addiction does not always allow me to think clearly, and any of my friends will tell you that I am loyal, caring, and loving ( for the most part) but what they do not know, is that deeply, I wish that someone would care for me in the same way. But it is impossible to live up to the standards of myself since I am willing to do anything for a person that I love. 

I have been asked by more than one of my male friends to cook dinners for their girlfriends while they surprised them with romantic evenings filled with candles, flowers, and R & B music. Of course I say yes as I slave away in the kitchen preparing a meal as if I am Aunt Jemima feeding her master. I have shopped for their girlfriends birthday presents, and planned romantic evenings. Again, I should be getting paid for this, but I do it out the kindness of my heart, while I die on the inside hoping that good karma will come my way and repay me with the same. Sometimes we need to create our own karma.

I need to start taking care of myself, putting myself first, treating me. Taking risk isn't also fun or easy, and yes it does come with disappointment, but if we continue to stay stuck in our ruts, we will never see anything new. Now I am not saying that I will give up my matchmaking completely, but maybe I should pursue the nice guy that I like for myself, instead of passing him off on my friend because I feel that I am not worthy. I vow that I will no longer speak to my friend on the behalf of another male, i.e. "Aye, let me get at your girl". I am sure that I will quickly be labeled as the ugly, fat, bitter friend. It's okay, nothing new,but I think that us fatties need to stick up for ourselves. Most of the guys that date my friends have secret crushes on me anyways. How do I know this you may ask? They eventually tell me. Its unfortunate that they are too scared to pursue me in the beginning. If you aren't a fatty and you want to understand my life, picture me as Queen Latifah in "Just Wright" except for I don't get Common at the end of the movie. No Hollywood endings over here. Instead I clean up all the pieces. My best friend is crying on my shoulder, while Common is blowing up my phone, saying how much he wants her back and he forgives her for leaving him in his time of need. Oh yea, I also get a little pat on the back for being there the whole time while he was hurting. Ain't that bout a bitch. 

That's how real life goes, and yes its sad. It doesn't make much for a blockbuster hit, but its real. I hope that others can learn to change things in their lives. The first step to getting over an addiction, is admitting that you have a problem. 

Until we meet again, 

Tiffany 

Just Friends

I have mentioned how I have a lot of beautiful friends, female ones, but honestly I have a lot of good looking guy friends as well. I am really a guys girl. Guys love being my friend. I love sports, guy talk, I deal well with vulgarity, and they feel comfortable telling me anything and everything. Sometimes I even think like a guy, and I think that is what attracts men to me, but not in a romantic way, its like I have several "bromances" but I am not a bro. Most of my friends of the opposite sex, I was attracted to in the beginning. When a man is good looking, and wants to spend lots of time with you, its hard not to be attracted to them. But its pretty easy for me to find out when they are "just friends" and not interested in more.

There are several signs that get to me to this assumption. It starts with not trying anything after several times of hanging out. Hanging out all the time, but not going out is another sign, although I was taken on a date with one of my good friends, before we were good friends. The tell to be 100% sure that a guy isn't interested in me is when he asks about one of my friends. This happens quite frequently, sometimes it makes me feel as if he is using to get to my friends, but to prevent to sounding upset or bitter or revealing my discomfort and true feelings, of course I entertain it. My entertaining of this, is yet another topic.

Because I have encountered this same relationship with men several times, I find myself expecting it to occur. If I don't get the "interested in you more than friends vibe" I tend to immediately put him in the "friend zone". I know that others of you have done this as well. It is self- sabatoge. I won't lie, I am scared to be rejected just like the anyone else, and having a slight attraction or crush on someone then finding out they really want to be with any of your friends, well is quite disheartening. I guess that's why its called a "crush". I am not going to sit here and say that men are rude ( even then a lot of them are) but if you are approaching a woman you do not know to ask about her friend, you are a pussy. Excuse my French, but please grow some cajonas and approach her yourself.

I love being the friend, and I love spending time with men, but it would be nice to spend time with a man that wants to have good conversation with me, and maybe a little something more. We can still talk about sports and watch ESPN, but maybe negate the sexual stories from last weekend. I am afraid  that I am going to put someone that actually wants me as more than a friend in the friend zone and ruin a potential relationship. But am I willing to be vulnerable only to find out he is just another man in pursuit of my bff? I am not so sure.


Don't self sabotage your relationships!

Tiffany

I'm Back

To all my followers, I apologize that I haven't not been posting so frequently. I will say that the last couple of weeks have been crazy, but I am also happy to say that I am finally a college graduate! I am living at home with my parents for the next couple of weeks, I thought that it would be hell, but I actually enjoy it. I stay up all evening, sleep all day, and my mother calls me when food is on the table. I am my father's personal chauffeur to the hospital and chemotherapy, but I don't mind. I don't have to pay for a damn thing and I love it, but I do know it is short  lived, and soon I will be all on my own. Anyways, my weight loss is kind of at a stand still, but I just started back up to the routine. I like routines and schedules, they always enable me to eat right and eat less. When I am working and busy, I tend not to think about food, its the times like these when I am not doing anything that I get bored, sad, and eat eat eat! I hope that all of those that are trying to eat better are finding ways to work it into your daily routine. Remember exercise makes a huge difference, and you will start to feel better instantly with some daily workouts. I know I do!

God Bless,


Tiffany

What is Fat?

I have several friends that are serial dieters. I am not talking about doing Adkins, South Beach, or Weight Watchers, but going to extreme means to lose a few pounds. When I say few, I really mean less than 10. They don't have any more to lose. I am a firm believer of staying healthy (hence the point of this book), but I am not sure how healthy it is to cut calories to a ridiculous low and I know that I couldn't do it. Regardless of the health effects that come along with it, or the instant weight gain that proceeds, I commend these women for the determination to stay away from fat. I mean hey, "Thin is always in" right? I am not here to criticize anyone's personal convictions, but it does bring me to the question: What is fat?

Since I can remember I have been called fat, even when I wasn't fat. I was 5' tall when I was in the 3rd grade, and by the time I was in 5th grade I was 5'6". It is easy to mistake hips, thigh, and boobs for fat when you are 9 years old, or at least my classmates did. I went to an all white school for the entirety of my education. I refuse to call it "predominately white" because everyone was white besides me was white. There is a major difference between cultures when it comes to weight. I remember in high school when my guy friends would talk about other girls. They would call them fat asses because they had fat asses. These were the types of bodies that most of us black women would die for, but they were only "fat" in the eyes of a white man. I highly suggest that these women date black men if they aren't already.

So many of my female friends (black and white) complain about their weight in ways that drives any fatty crazy. I do apologize, but I can not be supportive of women with body image issues, that have, according to societies standards, perfect bodies. There is nothing worse to me then being in the dressing room of a department store, trying to put my thighs in a pair of skinny jeans, and then hearing "Oh my God Tiffany, I am so fat". When I walk out of my room she is standing there with her size 6 jeans zipped up, I repeat zipped up! If you are not in the double digits I don't really want to hear about your weight issues, because clearly you don't have any. I get it, people gain a few pounds here and there, but its nothing that can't be easily solved. Telling a fat person that you think you are fat when you are not, then turning around and trying to convince the real fatty that they aren't fat is contradicting and most importantly insulting. I wish I had a dollar for every time this situation has happened, oh I would be one rich woman!

Being fat is more than a pant size or a number on the scale, honestly its a mind set. A bad habit that needs to be broken. There are many fatties out there that really don't even know that they are fat, and that is perfectly fine. They are probably living care free lives, and they won't know that they are fat until they have a heart attack, stroke, or are diagnosed with diabetes.

If you are questioning if you are fat are not here are a few things that can help you decide:

If you can only fit the largest size in most department stores, you are probably fat.

If you are the last girl approached in your group of friends, you are probably fat, or ugly, or maybe a known slut, no I take the slut part back.

When someone is trying to think of insults to down you with, and all they can call you is a fat ass, you are probably fat. But you should take this as a compliment, because they had nothing else to say but the obvious.

If you go to the doctor's office ( no matter what kind) and he or she reminds you of your weight, you are probably fat. My chiropractor even reminded me of this, what's next, the dentist?

If people look at the seat next to you on the bus, and half of your ass is on it so they stand instead, you are probably fat.

If you don't wear belts because you can't find any in your size, you are probably fat.


I suggest that all of my fellow fatties stand up to their skinny bitch friends, and put them in their place. Next time you hear one of them call themselves fat ask them this, "Would you rather be my size?". If that doesn't shut her up, then offer to buy her a salad and water for lunch, it might work.

Recognize your weight, if you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, shut the hell up!

Best wishes,

Tiffany

Emotional Eater

As many others out there, when I am upset, I eat. It is a terrible problem, because the more I eat the more unhappy I am, then I create this crazy cycle of eating more, and more, and more...

The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me. Not because of the stress of school and graduating, but my because of way more important things. My father was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease ( a form of cancer of the lymph nodes) in 2002. He was treated with chemotherapy for a year, and was put into remission. Since then he was forced to retired due to his health, but he was close to retirement so it wasn't that bad. Last couple of times that I went home I could sense that something was wrong. My father's behavior overall had changed. He can barely breath, he is on oxygen, and it hard for him to walk anywhere. I knew that things weren't good, but I didn't want to say anything without reason from doctors. I found out this week that the cancer has returned in a form of a tumor on his other lung. They can treat it, but it is cancer. I have been mentally prepared for the worse for years, but facing reality and death isn't always easy. There are no guarantees in life.

Financial stress is another things that always seems to plague me. Graduating is great, and knowing that I am going to have a job in the fall is even better, but the transition from student loans to no paycheck is a killer on my wallet. I just keep praying that I can make it through the summer.

I know that I talk a lot about my weight and weight loss, and how important that it is to me. But I do want you to understand that there are things that are way more important that self image or even health. I try to make my friends and family a priority at all times, and I hope you all do the same.

I had said earlier that I have only lost 1 lb in the last couple weeks, and it is extremely discouraging. In America we want instant gratification, which means a slow weight loss isn't something that I really enjoy. I am not patient about anything in life, and I would love to spend my summer in a two-piece bikini, but realistically that is not gonna happen. Sometimes I get ahead of myself, and I set unrealistic goals, which in return just lead to disappointment. I suggest that you set small goals that you know you can reach, and if you reach them too easily, start setting tougher ones.

I need to get into beast mode asap, because I want to be healthier and I want to be slimmer before I start my new job. Hopefully with the support of all of my readers, and some motivation I will reach my goals!

Until we meet again,

Tiffany

Day 24

So its been 24 days and I am down one more pound. I know that its not a lot, but I have been under an extreme amount of stress and stress does affect your weight. Here is what I ate today. I didn't eat breakfast because I slept til 3. Don't judge me!

Lunch
Grilled Chicken Taco w/ whole grain tortilla 492 calories ( 4 oz of chicken)

Dinner
Whole Grain Rigatoni w/ chicken tomato, mushrooms, spinach, and a sprinkle of feta cheese 310 calories ( only use a cup of pasta)
Sweet Potato w/ tbs of smart choice butter and cinnamon (substitute cinnamon instead of brown sugar)

Dessert
Ice Cream 130 (small portion)

Total: 1063

Tiffany Tips:

Load your diet with high fiber foods, and use whole grains as much as possible. These foods are better for you and keep you feeling satisfied. They are also great for digestion, trust me you will see a change!

Try to replace unhealthy flavors with healthy options. I like to use cinnamon instead of brown sugar. It cuts the calories, and obviously the sugar.

Eat super foods like crazy. Avacados, spinach, and sweat potatoes are integrated into my weekly diet. Avacado is high in fat but extremely healthy, eat no more than half a day!

Drink hot green tea in the morning and you will feel great. It boosts your energy and also keeps you full!

Keep on keeping on!

Tiffany