Recently I had an argument with a significant other that was not out of the ordinary. Lately, when I am having difficulties in my relationships I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. We tend to find it very easy to blame things on the other party, especially, like in my case, when the other person involved may have had some transgressions in the past. This makes us feel like we have one up on them. It gives a false premises about ourselves, that we are perfect or in a higher position, although we all know that we are not. I am all about forgiveness, and once I forgive I automatically let go of the past. Easier said then done.
After this argument, during my time of reflection and meditation, I realized that what was important to me wasn't really about what I wanted. It was more about what someone else had once had. I have been comparing everything that he had done with this other girl and I wanted to make sure that he did all those things with me plus some. Some of you may be confused so I will give you an example.
When my guy dated this girl I knew that they had went on more than one vacation together, something that we were supposed to but because of school it never worked out. I had always been envious of her for several reasons. Mainly because he became more serious with her after dating me, and did everything with her that I wanted for myself. Although I would never admit to myself how much it hurt me, it did. Now that we are seeing each other again, he brought up the vacation idea. Of course I was all for it and ecstatic. When there was a chance that we may not go, of course I started freaking out. It was less about actually going on the vacation, and more like feeling like he loved me just as much as he loved her.
Envy is such a terrible sin. It takes over your real feelings and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go on a vacation with him because I wanted to get away and get to spend some really quality time with the person that I loved, but my determination in the matter was fueled by my envy. The crazy thing about the entire situation is that I really don't even know what I am envious of. Of course I saw little bits and pieces of their relationship, but it obviously didn't work out. The more I talked with my man about the situation, the more I learned about why he dated her after me, and how not so happy it was sometimes.
Now you may be asking what this has to do with me being fat. Trust me there is always a connection. This same envy I have seen myself having with other girls. I am surrounded by beautiful girls all the time. All of my friends are gorgeous. I have one friend in particular that is gorgeous. Every time we go out she is approached by several good looking guys and she flirts and bats her eyelashes with confidence. But as soon as we leave the venue I have to continuously hear her complaining about her body, hair, or anything that just doesn't seem good enough to her. I would die for what she has, and I am not just talking about looks. She has the ability to get every males attention in the room. Now I know that on a good day I am gorgeous as well, but I do not have that ability.
Every week I hear about the same insecurities that she has and it is so disheartening. It is so saddening to hear this beautiful woman talk down about herself. I still have not figured out if she is really insecure or straining for attention, both are as equally tragic.
It is amazing to see how each of us contain our own set of insecurities: our bodies, intelligence, or relationships.
It makes me wonder, is the grass really greener on the other side?
Of course,
Green with Envy.
With all of my blessings,
Tiffany
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Dr. Idontknowish
I hate doctors.
I went to the ER tonight because of some numbness that I was experiencing in the left side of my body. I thought that maybe I had had a mini stroke since loss of sensation on one side of the body is a major symptom. After 5 hours in the waiting room, blood work, and a CAT scan of my brain, I was told that she didn't know what was wrong with me. What's new. Now I have to go to a neurologist ( again ) to see why I can't feel my foot or leg.
As I have mentioned before, doctors have a tendency to annoy me. I love them when they are able to diagnose and heal, but I hate it when they bring up things that have nothing to do with the problem that I am having.
For example, tonight I was complaining about the numbness in my leg, which was obviously a blood circulation problem, or a nervous system problem. The nurse that did my vitals asked me when my last period was, my cycle isn't always regular and I am late. She looked at me like I was pregnant, and I assured her that I was not. After my CAT scan I met with the doctor, and again I was asked the same question. I told her the date, and she looked at me like I was pregnant. I assured her that I was not, and she told me that it was a possibility. After checking the blood test, she realized that I wasn't, like I had said. Even if I was, what the hell does that have to do with my left side of my body being numb? Last time I checked, that wasn't a symptom of pregnancy.
After checking my vitals again, I was told that my blood pressure was high. I am glad that she was concerned about my over all health, but instead of asking me about my eating and exercise habits, she told me that I need to start exercising. Umm... excuse me ma'am please do not make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my outward appearance. I wanted to give her two upper cuts, a left hook, and a right round, but instead I politely told her how I was working on my weight and currently have lost 25 lbs. She quickly shut her trap. Maybe I am just sensitive about my weight, especially because her remarks seemed to cancel out the hard work that I have put in. Regardless I find it rude not to ask about how I do things in life. The assumption that all larger people are lazy and frumpy is annoying. I work out more than any of my friends, I am a vegetarian, and I eat healthier than anyone I know. Yes, occasionally I over indulge, but over all I am a healthy person. I hope that my new life style will pay off in the future.
I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought, and I will take this experience as more motivation.
I still hate doctors.
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
I went to the ER tonight because of some numbness that I was experiencing in the left side of my body. I thought that maybe I had had a mini stroke since loss of sensation on one side of the body is a major symptom. After 5 hours in the waiting room, blood work, and a CAT scan of my brain, I was told that she didn't know what was wrong with me. What's new. Now I have to go to a neurologist ( again ) to see why I can't feel my foot or leg.
As I have mentioned before, doctors have a tendency to annoy me. I love them when they are able to diagnose and heal, but I hate it when they bring up things that have nothing to do with the problem that I am having.
For example, tonight I was complaining about the numbness in my leg, which was obviously a blood circulation problem, or a nervous system problem. The nurse that did my vitals asked me when my last period was, my cycle isn't always regular and I am late. She looked at me like I was pregnant, and I assured her that I was not. After my CAT scan I met with the doctor, and again I was asked the same question. I told her the date, and she looked at me like I was pregnant. I assured her that I was not, and she told me that it was a possibility. After checking the blood test, she realized that I wasn't, like I had said. Even if I was, what the hell does that have to do with my left side of my body being numb? Last time I checked, that wasn't a symptom of pregnancy.
After checking my vitals again, I was told that my blood pressure was high. I am glad that she was concerned about my over all health, but instead of asking me about my eating and exercise habits, she told me that I need to start exercising. Umm... excuse me ma'am please do not make assumptions about my lifestyle based on my outward appearance. I wanted to give her two upper cuts, a left hook, and a right round, but instead I politely told her how I was working on my weight and currently have lost 25 lbs. She quickly shut her trap. Maybe I am just sensitive about my weight, especially because her remarks seemed to cancel out the hard work that I have put in. Regardless I find it rude not to ask about how I do things in life. The assumption that all larger people are lazy and frumpy is annoying. I work out more than any of my friends, I am a vegetarian, and I eat healthier than anyone I know. Yes, occasionally I over indulge, but over all I am a healthy person. I hope that my new life style will pay off in the future.
I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought, and I will take this experience as more motivation.
I still hate doctors.
Until we meet again,
Tiffany
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Way You Make Me Feel
As I am taking off my make up, I look into the mirror and stare at my self. I realize how beautiful I really am. This is the first time I have felt this way, without the influence of someone else telling me how pretty I look. I look at the half of my face with the make up, and the other half without. Both look pretty good. This new found confidence that I have in myself, is tainted by the thought of the rest of me.
In the last couple of months I have lost 25 lbs, I have changed my eating habits, and I have been working out more frequently. I feel good about myself, and what I have accomplished thus far, but I know I still have a long way to go until I am in the healthy zone. As continue on this journey I find my self emotionally all over the place. Some days I feel sexy, others, not so much. It amazes me how much others influence our own thoughts about ourselves. I do not care what anyone says, you are influenced by the feelings of others around you.
I remember watching Katt Williams' stand up, "The Pimp Chronicles" where he asks, " How can I f*&# up the way YOU feel about YOU? It's called self-esteem!" Men everywhere were quoting this on social networks, to their friends, and more importantly their girlfriends. Thinking about it at the time I was on the bandwagon screeming, "Yeah Katt, you right!" Especially after a guy I was dating at the time, continuously told me how I shouldn't let others thoughts about me affect me. Easier said than done.
But now as I look back on my own experiences, I realize that this isn't such a true statement at all. It is easy to say that you shouldn't care about what others think, but is it even healthy to follow that rule? Since I am a teacher, I constantly see children get their feelings hurt by the words of others. Words do hurt. They are seeking the approval of their peers, their parents, and adults that surround them. Really we are no different then these 8 year olds. We are constantly seeking the approval of our peers, our bosses, and most importantly, the opposite sex.
We spend most of our lives finding ways to find the perfect mate. Men go to the gym, try have great careers, spend money on dinners, shoes, and fancy clothes, all for the approval of women. I could list all of the things that women do, but we all know how that will end. My point is, we were created to mate with the opposite sex, fall in love, make babies, and create a life with someone else. So hell yeah the opinion of your potential husband or wife matters.
I am currently dating a very opinionated person. He is never quick to bite his tongue, and tells me pretty much everything that he thinks is wrong about me. Now when we dated a few years ago, I was too immature to handle the things that he was saying to me. I thought that he was just trying to find ways to piss me off, put me down, and make himself feel better, but now I realize that it is much different than that. A few months ago he confessed to me that the reason that he critiques me is because he loves me so much that he wants me to be the best me. He told me that he knew how amazing I was and all the potential that I had, and he wanted everyone else to see in me what he sees in me.
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to marry this man. It is difficult to take critism from others, because most of us are our own worst critics, so to even think about someone else feeling negatively about anything that we do, or even what we look like is somewhat terrifying.
When people comment on my personality, honestly I do not care. I love the way that I am, plus it is easy to tone down my brashness or say what people want to hear. But when someone comments on your appearance, the way you look, it hurts. It hurts because most of us cannot change those things, and those of us that can, become addicted to working out, plastic surgery, etc. When do we draw the line? When do you stop caring just enough to maintain your own self esteem? I can truthfully say that I think I am a 10; a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, personalable, funny with a tender heart, but when I walk into a bar and men seem to miss all of those qualities, and focus on the fact that I have no waist, it makes it difficult to stay positive about everything else that I do have. I know that I am not the only person that deals with battle. I wish I had some magical way to forget it all, but its not that simple.
All people want to feel loved. We want to feel beautiful, not only to ourselves, but also to someone else. Some people make us feel that way through their actions. Maybe they have a strong physical attraction that exudes from them, or they continuously show affection. Others display it through their words. They tell you they love you, write you letters, poems, and express how they feel.
But what if you aren't receiving either? How is your self-esteem? Just something to ponder.
In the last couple of months I have lost 25 lbs, I have changed my eating habits, and I have been working out more frequently. I feel good about myself, and what I have accomplished thus far, but I know I still have a long way to go until I am in the healthy zone. As continue on this journey I find my self emotionally all over the place. Some days I feel sexy, others, not so much. It amazes me how much others influence our own thoughts about ourselves. I do not care what anyone says, you are influenced by the feelings of others around you.
I remember watching Katt Williams' stand up, "The Pimp Chronicles" where he asks, " How can I f*&# up the way YOU feel about YOU? It's called self-esteem!" Men everywhere were quoting this on social networks, to their friends, and more importantly their girlfriends. Thinking about it at the time I was on the bandwagon screeming, "Yeah Katt, you right!" Especially after a guy I was dating at the time, continuously told me how I shouldn't let others thoughts about me affect me. Easier said than done.
But now as I look back on my own experiences, I realize that this isn't such a true statement at all. It is easy to say that you shouldn't care about what others think, but is it even healthy to follow that rule? Since I am a teacher, I constantly see children get their feelings hurt by the words of others. Words do hurt. They are seeking the approval of their peers, their parents, and adults that surround them. Really we are no different then these 8 year olds. We are constantly seeking the approval of our peers, our bosses, and most importantly, the opposite sex.
We spend most of our lives finding ways to find the perfect mate. Men go to the gym, try have great careers, spend money on dinners, shoes, and fancy clothes, all for the approval of women. I could list all of the things that women do, but we all know how that will end. My point is, we were created to mate with the opposite sex, fall in love, make babies, and create a life with someone else. So hell yeah the opinion of your potential husband or wife matters.
I am currently dating a very opinionated person. He is never quick to bite his tongue, and tells me pretty much everything that he thinks is wrong about me. Now when we dated a few years ago, I was too immature to handle the things that he was saying to me. I thought that he was just trying to find ways to piss me off, put me down, and make himself feel better, but now I realize that it is much different than that. A few months ago he confessed to me that the reason that he critiques me is because he loves me so much that he wants me to be the best me. He told me that he knew how amazing I was and all the potential that I had, and he wanted everyone else to see in me what he sees in me.
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to marry this man. It is difficult to take critism from others, because most of us are our own worst critics, so to even think about someone else feeling negatively about anything that we do, or even what we look like is somewhat terrifying.
When people comment on my personality, honestly I do not care. I love the way that I am, plus it is easy to tone down my brashness or say what people want to hear. But when someone comments on your appearance, the way you look, it hurts. It hurts because most of us cannot change those things, and those of us that can, become addicted to working out, plastic surgery, etc. When do we draw the line? When do you stop caring just enough to maintain your own self esteem? I can truthfully say that I think I am a 10; a beautiful woman, extremely intelligent, personalable, funny with a tender heart, but when I walk into a bar and men seem to miss all of those qualities, and focus on the fact that I have no waist, it makes it difficult to stay positive about everything else that I do have. I know that I am not the only person that deals with battle. I wish I had some magical way to forget it all, but its not that simple.
All people want to feel loved. We want to feel beautiful, not only to ourselves, but also to someone else. Some people make us feel that way through their actions. Maybe they have a strong physical attraction that exudes from them, or they continuously show affection. Others display it through their words. They tell you they love you, write you letters, poems, and express how they feel.
But what if you aren't receiving either? How is your self-esteem? Just something to ponder.
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