When I first started losing the weight I was able to see it in my face and neck and I felt like I was making a lot of progress. But as soon as I got used to the way that I looked, I started to feel fat all over again. People continue to tell me that I look smaller, and of course my clothes are too big, but I continue to view myself as something that I am not. I critically analyze every photo taken of me making excuses for the way that I look, "I just look small because of the angle" "I'm just photogenic" instead of congratulating myself for my huge accomplishments. I think the real issue has to do with the fact that I am still not at the smallest I have ever been. I know that I still have a ways to go and I am anxious to be at my goal weight. The journey is not always as fun as we wish it to be. Don't get me wrong, I love working out now, and the gym is my new habitat, but I don't like suppressing my mouth-watering temptations to have cheese, chocolate and hot fries. I understand now that anything that I really want is going to take more sacrifice than I ever imagined. I am not only sacrificing food and time to exercise, but I am also sacrificing things that bring stress into my life, other people's opinions of what I should do, and I am only focusing on myself.
As my reflection in the mirror evolves everyday so does my self-esteem. With every step on the treadmill and bead of sweat that falls from my forehead, I am getting closer and closer to my physical goals. With every look in the mirror, I am getting closer and closer to being happy just being me, if I am 250 lbs or 150 lbs. This experience has taught me that my physical body doesn't have to be perfect, and that my personality, heart, and love for life is really what people find the most attractive. I hope that anyone that reads this can really take that in. In order to get the outside looking right, you must first work on the inside!
Recently I had a conversation with an ex. We were discussing my recent weight-loss and my future weight-loss goals. He thought it was a little ridiculous that I wanted to lose 105 lbs, which frustrated me. I always felt that he had a larger problem with my...well...largeness. When we talked about this, he responded with, " I didn't care if you were 250lbs or 150lbs. I didn't have an issue with your weight. I had an issue, that YOU had an issue with your weight." If I had heard this 3 years ago, I would have thought that he was lying, made excuses for myself, and continued my destructive behavior. At this point in time I felt like that statement was a revelation for me. I get it, and I feel guilty about it. There have been so many wasted years of my life that were focused on what I did not have, what I did not look like, that I pushed everything that was good away from me. I was a bucket of toxic waste. Who wants to be with that? Now with that understanding I am able to pick up the mirror and really take a good look at myself. I am able to see my worth. My worth is not defined by my jean size, my hair length, or height. My worth comes from how I treat people, my intelligence, my love towards others. Who I am will always trump what I look like, and my healthy inside will exude from my pores.
Today, take a look in the mirror and love what you see.
You're beautiful darling! SO proud of you!
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