My Frienemy

I am off from one of the best weekends of my life. This past weekend was spent with my ex-boyfriend, future... something, and I have had several revelations. The first is within our relationship. When I look at some of my issues with weight, I have realized that my weight has played a major role in the relationships that I have with my friends, family, and lovers. As you have read, I have mentioned all of these people through my journey because they are so much a part of me, and everything that I do is connected to the other. When I think about the relationship that I have with my ex, I know that my weight, and how I felt about my self had a negative barring on us as a couple. When we first started dating, I also thought of him as a 10 and myself as a 7. Because of this I was always making reasons in my own mind about why he didn't like me instead of thinking about all the reasons that he did like me. I ended completing self-sabotage. I mean who would want to be with a person that questions your motives and doesn't have enough confidence in themselves in order to believe that what you have is legit. Now this was not an overnight epiphany, but rather a 3 year long journey that has been extremely rough and tiresome, but in the end I have realized my own self worth.

When I think about my relationship with food, I realize that food is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. My frienemy. When I am happy, I celebrate with food. When I am sad, I eat to make it all better. Either way I am eating, a lot. I have allowed food to control me and my relationships. Just like breaking up with a boyfriend, it is difficult to break up with food. Imagine dumping someone that you love, but then, having to see them everyday, 3 times a day for the rest of your life. That would nearly be impossible. Instead of breaking up with food, I have realized that I need to change my relationship with food. I have to retrain my body to think about food differently. I am still in this process, but I am trying to take it day by day.

Being a fat girl is difficult, but I think that I have been blaming too many of my problems on my fat. It is easier to say that a guy doesn't like you or want to be with you because you are fat, rather than he just didn't like me. I can change the fat, but me? That is something that is much more difficult. When my ex came to see me and was all about me, I realized that he has always loved me, just like I loved him. Not just the way he looked or the way he dressed, simply him. I would be lying if I said I haven't pulled some fine men because I have. I now know that me, Tiffany, can't be that bad, because there are men that like me, and the more that I am myself, the more they like. It is when I am an insecure fat girl that looks unhappy,that I don't get what I want. But who would want that ?

As I continue on this journey, regardless of the outcome, I hope that I can continue to grow and understand myself, my relationship with food, and my body. There is no way that I can want to change me if I really don't know me.

Until next time,

Tiffany still your fellow fatty.

Thintervention

As I sit on my bed watching Jackie Warner kick some spoiled, overweight, rich folks asses, I think about how lazy they are and how many excuses that these people with nothing better to do are making up everyday. Then I realize, I am sitting on the bed watching something that should be motivating me to get off my ass, but instead, I am taking my negativity out on someone else who is doing exactly what I am doing. Absolutely nothing. I think to my self, and realize that I haven't worked out in days. I haven't ate right all week, my weight has been stagnant, and I have every reason to be motivated. In less than a week, the love of my life will be visiting me for the weekend, although you should never let a man be the reason to lose weight, it is a strong motivation nonetheless. I am single and living in a new city, where the men are scarce, and the semi-beautiful women are bountiful. I only have one responsibility and that is my self, so it is time that I stopped talking about what I am going to do and just do it. It is easy to be motivated, but harder to get up. So I did just that, I got up, put on my gym clothes and went to kickboxing class. It is crazy, because I really love kickboxing so I am not so sure why my lazy self avoids going to the gym. I think there is some type of fear that comes with change, maybe I will change, but nothing else will improve in my life, or maybe I will change and everything else will change as well. There is so much in the unknown that makes all of us feel uneasy. I will be honest, which I always do, there is  nothing better than feeling comfortable. But there is something that is pleasing and exciting about the unknown, and I am finally ready to venture out into that uncomfortable place, that hopefully one day will be my new haven.

I want to talk a little more about food. I have said before that food and overeating is an addiction, but now I can confirm it. Sugar releases the same chemicals into your body as those of drugs and alcohol. Most Americans are addicted to sugar in one form or the other. Carbohydrates, a personal favorite of mine, simple sugars, fructose corn syrup, and the list goes on and on. No wonder I have been fighting this fat for so long! The sugar that we are given as children is our first high, our first moment of indulgent pleasure, and because of that I have been struggling for the last 20 years. Well... I refuse to struggle any longer, as I promise to myself to get my shit together, and make changes that will better myself.