For the past two months I have been in Atlanta training for my new job. I found that the first week I was getting fed small salads, grilled chicken and rice everyday WITHOUT seconds! I was walking up and down hills on campus in the Georgia sun, and I had to have lost 5 lbs. But quickly that ended, as my schedule was packed and I was working 12 hour days and eating dining hall food. Not to mention that dining hall food at Georgia Tech includes honey biscuits, cheesy grits, sausage and gravy, fried okra, collard greens, fried green tomatoes... I could go on. I love southern food, which is going to be something that I will have to overcome as I make my new life in this great city.
Today I decided that I needed to get my life back together. I suggested that my brother play basketball with me today for my exercise. Surprisingly he said yes. We played three games, I was up in the first two by 3 or 4 pts and he hit the threes on me (which I didn't know existed in our driveway) and won. It was only 95 degrees outside, and the last time I played basketball one-on-one was 5 years ago. Getting beat by my 17 year old varsity ball playing brother wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt my pride, but surely hurt my body. My goal is to get in shape, come back home and kick his ass... I hate losing.
Its funny how people always look surprised when I tell them that I used to play basketball. Then when I tell them that I was good, they give me that yea-sure-you-were-in-your-mind kind of look. When this happens I have to go into explaining how I averaged double digits in points and rebounds, and how I hold the bench press and squat weight lifting records, and how I was recruited by several schools to play in college, and I eventually feel like I am begging people to believe that I was actually a good athlete. This desperation is ridiculous, but my pride is like that of 20-something year old man, and I hate when people doubt me.
I have learned that my guise has been the main cause for doubt in my short lived life.This has caused much frustration for me. I understand that everyone is so concerned with my health, but please allow me to deal with my own personal issues. It is bad enough that my mom mentions my weight every five minutes, and tries to nonchalantly talk about food and exercise, but I don't need anyone else to do it too.
Some of my family is going to get together to celebrate my grandmother's 90th Birthday. I was relieved when I had to attend a wedding out-of-state that weekend for one of my closest friends, not because I don't enjoy spending time with family, but for some reason they tend to forget about my college degree, new job, and big move, and only focus on the fact that I gained weight. Remember when I said when you are fat no exercise looks good, I guess this can also be applied to any accomplishment.
One of my aunts, whom I think is my God-mother, sad I know, badgers me beyond belief. After my major weight-loss in high school I went to Cancun, Mexico for spring break. My aunt picked me up from the airport and was ecstatic by my look svelte body and golden tan. Almost a year later, my favorite uncle died and we were all gathered for the funeral. One of my aunts had made a comment about how beautiful I was when suddenly the other interupted with a "No No No! She was so beautiful when I picked her up from the airport not that long ago." At that moment I realized that my own family ignored the beauty that I thought that I possessed on the inside and outside. It doesn't matter that I was on the dean's list in college every semester, that I graduated with honors, that only 20% of applicants make it into Teach for America and I happened to make it in, or that I secretly have an elaborate plan in effect to take over the world. What people see on the outside trumps the what is resonating on the inside and it saddens me. As much as I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons, including health and self-esteem, sometimes I just want to jump off of the deep end and tell everyone to eat a donut because I am staying fat and fabulous! And I might throw a few F-bombs in there.
The truth of the matter is, I won't do that. What other people think isn't supposed to matter right? But it does, it matters a lot, and most of the time we sit there and sulk about what others think about us, and we allow ourselves to determine our own self worth based on the opinions of people that are important in our life. The more important they are, family, significant others, and parents, the more it hurts, and the more difficult it is to say, "f@#$ what you have to say about me, because I am me, and I am amazing!". But this is what we need to do, because honestly no one knows what is best for you besides you and God. No matter how great your mother or father is, when you are an adult, there opinion of you matters less. This is something that I am currently working on. I have people in my life that I hold so high, so what they say to me is important, but everyone doesn't have the best intentions, and as much as I hate to think about it, its the truth.
As I continue on this journey to my ultimate goal, I have to continuously remind myself of the great things that I do and have done. It is easy for me to focus on my fat and forget about everything else that is going on in my life, but the reality is that there is so much more to me than my size, and when I am able to truly and honestly believe that, it will be easier to shed the pounds.
Until then....
Keep it truckin!
Tiffany
